irreconcilable differences

 In which I ramble and spout thoughts.

Back when things were fun.

Yesterday a very good and dear friend came to hang out, chat and do that coffee / cake thing. It was awesome. I'm glad to see her start to get her mojo again. She went through a really rough time ( not my story to tell) and had more than a few people tell her some really mean things, again not my story to tell.  We met through the SCA and about 80% of our conversation was about the SCA. I realised after she had gone home that I didn't really have a lot of nice things to say about this hobby and where it currently is anymore.

I've been playing SCA since I was 19 more or less and I'm 46 now so do the math. When I started I was a wild thing more interested in fun, booze and boys than anything else. My relationship with this hobby for the first 8- 10 years was mostly pure fun. Then I had a falling out with a couple of people who hurt me, deeply, so deeply that it still hurts and I still wonder why they did what they did to me. It's ancient history and I've mostly let it go but that sting, that twinge of why didn't you guys just be honest and say something up front is still there. I remember clearly feeling very betrayed by EVERYONE and I walked away, I also had other things to worry about, like school and stuff.

Now I am sure I've also hurt my fair share of people and done more than my fair share of really stupid things so I try to keep this in mind when I get on an SCA  downer but I must admit lately it seems to be getting harder and harder for me to just enjoy it.

My favourite SCA times are from Newfoundland, the shire with the unspeakable name at the edge of the world. In my memory, in spite of some major lows, these were the very best years ever. The whole shire brunched together every single Sunday and were were friends, lovers, mates, etc.... we were family and I think my biggest problem is I want THAT feeling back.

It occurred to me as I lay in bed this morning thinking about this that my biggest problem right now is I feel as though I don't belong any more. I'm an out dated fossil whose time has passed. I don't think this is actually true but it does sum up how I feel. Displaced and out of time ( as in wrong place and time).

It's hard to be in the SCA in Germany. The central region seems to be all tiny groups and divisive bitching. People vying for awards and pats on the head.  Many people seem to view the award system with being important.  The more shinies you have the more important you are. I think this has been a problem in the SCA for a long time but it's very prevalent here and I wish people would understand that really no one is important and everyone is important. This is a hobby not a job. ( at least it shouldn't be a job at all)

There's no real sense of community here. We had that once when we first formed the shire, there were six of us, close friends and working together. The stars on the Shire device represents each of us. Every time I see the shire device I am reminded of where we began and why and when I see what we have become it makes me sad. I am partly to blame though and I know this but changing that seems to be too big of a task and I don't want to be caught in the middle of a never ending struggle for power brought on by jealousy.

Aventiure: the six stars for the six founding members Skarf, Leo, Marcus, Maeva, Ele and me. It's black and white to remind us that everything story has two sides and that while it may appear so not everything is black and white.

My lack of enthusiasm and my unwillingness to change seem to go hand in hand with the general malaise. I would hold A&S stuff at my house but quite honestly there are people I just do not want in my home. Is this evil? I don't think so, maybe it's me being mean but at least I think it's an honest answer.

But groups grow and divide as is their nature and couples split causing lines of division. Alliances shift and change and somehow things never quite seem the same. Right now, for me, here in this place it's like white noise in my head. I'm not the only person who has noticed this club, our hobby, isn't what it once was. law suits and risings costs, rules and regulations, and a general lack of ability to keep up with the technological times seem to be huge issues. One only has to look at the websites of many kingdoms and shire to see just how lacking we are. Given that the first impression of a club now is their webpage, who the hell would join us? When I compare how we present who we are and what we do with how the 501st does I truly despair. We look like a bunch of boring, disorganized bureaucrats.  We don't really present the club's strengths and it doesn't surprise me that we don't pick up new members all that much. We don't really show off an enticing, exciting face. We have so much going for us as a club but oddly enough on first blush all people really see are the dull bits.

the 501st

http://www.sca.org/

http://www.drachenwald.sca.org/index_new.php

So I pare down my SCA dealings to good friends and my SCA family, when I get a chance to see them, or hear form them as they are all over the known world. I took on one office to pull friends out of a bind but really in retrospect I shouldn't have. I asked for advice and help and got none. Then when help did come, surprisingly from an unexpected source I no longer cared. It angers me that I've let my apathy creep in. I don't like doing a bad job of things yet here I am doing a bad job. So what did I do? I took on a second job. I took on Signet but that will be fun, it's a job I know and like.

So I'm drifting.  I feel as though I no longer belong, as though I no longer have a place. I am aware that the only person who can really change this is me and that all of my ennui is entirely my own. I am aware that only I can make myself happy and only I can enjoy the hobby at hand. I stay away from events because I don't feel the need to infect the world at large with my unhappiness. I stay away from events because the last few times with one exception it felt to me as though I were an unwelcome annoyance ( not true I'm sure but perception is everything sometimes) We create our own reality. I certainly create mine. Irreconcilable differences. After such a long time I wonder if it is possible to just go back to holding hands and laughing at silly things.

pennsic 15. When we were young and life was less complicated.

Friday...

One of the things I hate being told is that "This is the way X is so you will just need to accept it."

It's a bullshit statement and if everyone just accepted the way things were we'd still all be living in caves banging rocks together. Change happens because people want to move beyond the constraints of the now into something better. Women got the right to vote because a small group demanded change and started a movement that we are still fighting for to this day. Slavery was abolished, religious freedoms are more widely accepted and so on but all these changes came about because someone somewhere said hey hang on a minute this isn't right and fought against the status quo.

Telling me to accept things the way they are, telling me that my fight is useless because things are the way they are and they won't change no matter what I do is a red fucking flag.

You know what it's a bullshit statement from a scared majority who don't want things to change because they are perfectly happy with the way things are, they way things run in their favour and change scares the shit out of them.

When I played Star wars Galaxies I railed vehemently against the "NO TRADE" aspect of the game and time and again got told I should just give it up it's never going to change. Well I and the group of people fighting this with me didn't give up and eventually we won. The no trade items were reverted back to tradable. It may have only been a game but what it showed me was that no matter what other people say if you, as a human, want change to come, you have to fight for it and you have to be stubborn and persevere.

And this is how I feel about sexism and the objectification of women. Yes sex sells, though not as much as it used to. Women,  well people actually, are slowly growing tired of this. And men, smart men see through it. I get that some males of the species are led by the lower brain but I and many others don't buy into this BS that this is THE ONLY way to sell stuff, to entice guys to read books or get them interested in a particular subject / object / etc.... I think most men are actually smarter than that.

In the world of Sci-fi and Fantasy the myth that it's a totally male dominated arena is slowly being busted. Girls and women are a huge force to be reckoned with and while it may be that the jocks with cocks think they rule the roost I think they'd be surprised. Women spend a lot of money on books, clothes and toys and if there were more items available I think they'd see how much more they could make if they start marketing and catering to the female market as well. Until then I will fight for it. I will push against the norm. I won't accept that I have to take what's given even if it puts women down or marginalizes them simply because (some) men prefer tits and ass to well written, well thought out, strong female characters. I get this is an uphill battle, I get I may not see significant change in my lifetime but that doesn't mean I won't rail against it anyway.

So telling me that this is the way things are and it's never going to change is only going to strengthen my resolve to initiate and fight for change.  I know change is scary but it's worth it in the end.

ps. I also tend to get testy when people say I can't do something because I'm a girl and I've fought this one long and hard as well but this would be another post for another day. 

The quiet one I'm not.

In an interesting little twitter conversation this morning with Bonnie Burton and another person on Twitter that I don't know about this book You-Can-Draw-Star-Wars I rediscovered that side of me no one seems to know about. The shy me.
I'm shy but no one ever believes me because once they get to know me I don't seem shy at all. Well like most things there are two sides to the person that is me. ( actually there are more but let's keep it simple for now).

Yes, I can be vivacious and out going, chatty and vibrant but if I'm in a situation where I admire, like, look up to or otherwise would like to talk with someone I don't know at all all of that arrogance and bravado flees rapidly. I don't do well at parties where I only know one or two people. I'm mistrustful of social situations because I'm different than the average crowd my age.

I'm 46. I'm married. We don't have kids and we never wanted to. We live in a house big enough for a family but it's just the two of us, my art studio, our computer room, our books and stuff and costumes and dvds and so on. We are both geeks in the truest sense of the word. We like science fiction and fantasy. We met through a Star Wars online chat club, our vacations are spent either doing 501st stuff or sci-fi conventions or medieval events ( SCA). When we talk to the normal people at parties we get looked at as though we come from another planet. I've learned over the many years to just keep my mouth shut because the average person doesn't get it and we are freaks of nature to them.

It's even harder for me because I like to talk to people, I like to share ideas and get into discussions and I especially LOVE meeting people who are into geeky stuff, are artistic and so on but man it is hard for me to go up and say hi. Sweaty palm, racing heart hard. So I tend to admire from afar.

At jedicon a couple of years back Denise Vasquez and Randy Martinez were guests. These two people are  great artists and really nice folks and I must have walked by the table they were sitting at, drawing and talking to people about 100 times but never once stopped to say hi or ask the questions I wanted to ask...why? Because I'm hard wired not to bother people. Because it's painfully difficult for me to break that barrier.

Occasionally I do it, and meeting to and speaking with Japanese artist Tsuneo Sanda was one such moment and it was glorious. Even better was keeping the contact up on Facebook because he is just brilliant. But actually making face to face contact is very difficult. Being in a room full of strangers is hard. I'd rather be the girl in the corner watching than take that 1st step which is daft and I do know this but some times, more often than not, getting over that hump is just too hard. I'd rather watch than be rejected or told to fuck off or what ever horrid situation you can think of.

We were at a BBQ a few years back with some dear friends of ours. they get us, they accept that we do stuff differently but the people we met at the BBQ well their faces when we talked about our plans for that year's holiday ... we might as well have been from Mars.  You could see it plainly as we talked they shrank back from us, their eyes got that glazed look and their body language said... ohmygodgetmeawayfromthesepeople. That sense of you are one not of us has been a driving theme my whole life. At that point I close ranks and shut off from the world, I place a nice smile on my face and chatter about mindless stuff I forget 5 minutes later.  At this party we kind of walked away and shortly after that we went home because it's just not fun being with people who think you are freaks and get all judgy because you do stuff that isn't what they think of as "normal".

But really I'm that one people point as really odd, does crazy things and has strange hobbies. How many times in my life I have heard the sentence "You're so weird."I lost count a long time ago.  So I spend a lot of time on my own and I'm perfectly happy with that. I don't mind being on my own. I can be social when I want but honestly I like the quiet time too.

I don't know where this comes from except maybe being bullied and teased a lot as a kid probably didn't help. I developed the arrogance / weirdness armour. I'm British and Canadian and I moved a lot to places were I was an outsider and that was made abundantly clear ( ask me about the time the Patey boy broke my pinkie finger because he hated the way  spoke). I've been a fish out of water my whole life. So I tend to react to situations in one of 2 ways.  I'm either unspeakably shy or I am just a shiny bright bouncy light bulb babbling away about all sorts of shit. I sound like an annoying know it all or so I've been told.

When I do get introduced to people I never know what to say after hi. What questions to ask. Where to go next. I don't do small talk well and I don't ask personal questions of people I don't know well not because I'm not interested but because I feel that if people want to tell me about themselves they will, if they don't then maybe asking is being intrusive and rude.  I want to launch into great and deep conversations right out of the gate. I want people to talk to me not at me and vice versa. I don't care about the weather or what car they drive. I don't want to scratch the surface I want to dig up the floor boards. But since mostly this is socially inappropriate I stay quiet.

So we go to conventions but I mostly watch from afar and I don't ask the questions I really want to ask, or ask for autographs, or say hi, or any of those things because in order to do these things I have to get my fear of rejection under control and while occasionally I manage that, most of the time I take a deep breath and walk the other way which is sad. When I tell you I'm shy it's the truth but probably by that point we've become friends so you won't believe it anyway.