The Dark Side

In a discussion I have been having with a dear friend of mine, to answer a question or rather a comment he made about a comment I made on why I don't enjoy the SCA that much any more this was my reply.  I had spoken about the fact that I seem to spend more time avoiding the SCA and many people in it than enjoying events for what they were.

It's not the closest Scadians that make it unpleasant but rather the general message that gets spread around through the social media's comment sections etc.... Read the comments on facebook and you see that often one of the things that gets said is "I wish we could banish all modern things" and then the argument goes on from there. Usually citing cameras and photography as one of the big no nos. Well I have a big issue with this particular pet peeve because this is also my hobby and my time away from home with friends. I like to have photos of the events to remember them by but, now, every time I pull out my camera I wonder who I will be offending. If I have conversations with my friends about modern day things I wonder the same thing. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this over the last few years, especially now that we are a part of the 501st, and I have something to compare to.

The level of "Spoils my dream" statements have gone through the roof in the last few years and I get fed up of this. Whose dream are we talking about? I don't run around complaining about the people who push for correct 14th C or complain about the fact that some of these people who whinge also smoke, drink coke, wear glasses...etc... we live in the modern world and some things will just be a part of this. It's called the Society for CREATIVE ANACHRONISM for a reason. There are plenty of far more accurate and period re-enactment groups out there to satisfy people's needs. If the SCA doesn't fit these needs then why not branch out instead of complaining or worse trying to conform the group to the individual.  Except the issue is when people do branch out, join other medieval groups they get shit on for doing so because their time is not longer 100% given to the SCA. Personally I think being a part of more than one costume / re-enactment group is healthy. It gives you multiple perspectives and more options to learn, see things from a different point of view, but other people don't seem to get this and they bitch about this as well.  Really right now there's no pleasing people.

The SCA was never a "dream" for me it was a place I met great people and relaxed while wearing a costume. Somewhere along the line it stopped being a costume and became a little bit more which was nice but now I no longer feel as comfortable in the SCA as I once did.  I feel marginalized because mainly this is a weekend hobby for me and mostly what I want to do is relax and spend time with my friends that I don't get to see all that often in a setting that is often gorgeous. Instead, now, I find myself having to defend my point of view, or trying to tip toe around people who get insulted because I talk about my normal life with friends I have not seen in ages, or because I brought out my camera. It's become a lot of work to try and fit in which is a little ironic since it used to be the place were misfits and outsiders were welcome. If I hear the sentences "because it's not period", or "it's spoiling my dream" one more time I think I will just explode.

I also find that lately I am surrounded by certain people who bring out the absolute worst in me because their behaviour, lack of manners, the tendency to make everything about themselves and go overboard on the one-upmanship just pisses me off. I find myself looking at who will be attending events to see if I actually want to be in the same space or not. I realise this is my problem and not theirs but the root cause is friction brought on primarily by the reasons stated above. I don't play SCA to win. It's not a game with a score card to tick off how many awards you have or how much your pointy hat weighs. I'm not part of the in crowd or the out crowd but I have a circle of close friends and the option to gain new ones. There is no level up power button, no hacks no cheat codes, there is participation and fun. Lately it's felt like fucking highschool all over again. It's become mean and judgey and I'm in there too, which I hate, because on a normal day I don't give a rat's ass about any of this shit and I certainly don't want to be "that" mean, stuck up bitch who only talks to certain people. Some people, however, seem bring out that side of me even if it's not always visible. I know how I'm feeling and I don't like it. We joke about the dark side but this is really it, the SCA definitely does have a dark side and right now it's pretty rampant.

Of course the other side of this coin is people complaining about the fact that standards have gone up and that this is unfair. That they don't have the ability or the money to dress the best like the rest. I have to scratch my head at this. It's not hard to get a period look and feel inexpensively. So this jealousy is poisoning so many things we do. Instead of being happy for those who have the abilities and the wherewithal to create gorgeous, seriously accurate garb, scrolls, armour etc... we have people whining about how unfair it all is that they can't keep up. Since when did we as a group become so concerned with keeping up with the joneses? For me it's not what you wear or how blingy your garb is it's how you act, how you treat other people and the respect you give to those around you no matter what. Somewhere along the line looks, awards and possessions became more important than thoughts, actions or deeds. Instead of whining about how unfair it all is that you don't have X why not ask someone to help you? People will surprise you by how much they want to share and most people I know in the SCA LOVE to help where they can me included. ( though I often need reminding because my brain if full of holes and I forget)

It used to be the various facets of the SCA worked together and the various factions could at least get by without being so openly mean to each other but this has changed a lot mostly thanks to the openness of social media. The expectations have risen and so have the standards which I find perfectly okay as long as the extremists don't ram their version down my throat. This is all make believe and it's not really relevant to the everyday real world. A king/queen/peer in the SCA has no royal / peer significance in the day to day world. The abuse of power when one is in a position of power is ridiculous. There's a certain level of meanness that has risen over time, especially when one starts holding an office or getting more involved. Also the converse is true, as a peer I'm not infallible, and I don't know everything about everything. I don't always want to work at an event and if I don't have my scribal stuff with me this is not the end of the universe. I've spent my fair share of events tucked away doing scroll work or kitchen work, or cleaning or something and while I enjoy doing that at times sometimes I don't want to. I don't bring my kit when I want to just do other things. It's not a crime and it doesn't make me a lazy laurel but I have heard just those words pointed at me. There is no check list of what anyone SHOULD do at events instead why not just pitch in and ask if you can help rather than bitching about the stuff that's not getting done. The "I'm on holiday so I don't have to work" line is probably about the most selfish thing I've ever heard at an event. Dude...we're ALL on holiday.

For me, ever since I joined the SCA, it is mostly about being with similar people in a culture that was more open and friendly, the learning of unique skills and the extras were icing on the cake. Now these have become the requirement and the simple there to have fun part has been marginalized. Mostly I feel as though I no longer have a place in this club and going to events is stressful. Far too many people spend far too much time focusing on getting awards, being important ( whatever that means) and amassing power. ( all perceived) I can't tell you how many times I've heard people wish they were "important" or had award X, or get insulted when person Y isn't made a peer or doesn't award X. It's ridiculous. None of these things make a person important anyway.

I think the people who desire to immerse themselves in the absolute medieval are to be lauded but not when they try to enforce this on others who are not necessarily interested in this aspect of the SCA. Some people have a very clear idea of their SCA persona and that's great but others don't and nor should they have to. There is no rule that says you must have a perfectly honed persona at all. And then within these factions is the snobbery about what type of persona you are. Because persona is not like persona. You see that in the people who try for something different ( east Indian, Japanese, Middle eastern) They are also marginalized because what they do is not conforming to the medieval "norm". See...Highschool.

So essentially I've had enough because mostly when I go to events or read through the SCA facebook groups and forums it's like being drawn and quartered by all the various people who want the SCA to go their way. I think when that happens it's good to step back and get some perspective, some breathing room and maybe do the smaller side of thing to enjoy the hobby. It's not about awards or the shiny it's about the people and the fun. I wish more people would remember this including myself.

irreconcilable differences

 In which I ramble and spout thoughts.

Back when things were fun.

Yesterday a very good and dear friend came to hang out, chat and do that coffee / cake thing. It was awesome. I'm glad to see her start to get her mojo again. She went through a really rough time ( not my story to tell) and had more than a few people tell her some really mean things, again not my story to tell.  We met through the SCA and about 80% of our conversation was about the SCA. I realised after she had gone home that I didn't really have a lot of nice things to say about this hobby and where it currently is anymore.

I've been playing SCA since I was 19 more or less and I'm 46 now so do the math. When I started I was a wild thing more interested in fun, booze and boys than anything else. My relationship with this hobby for the first 8- 10 years was mostly pure fun. Then I had a falling out with a couple of people who hurt me, deeply, so deeply that it still hurts and I still wonder why they did what they did to me. It's ancient history and I've mostly let it go but that sting, that twinge of why didn't you guys just be honest and say something up front is still there. I remember clearly feeling very betrayed by EVERYONE and I walked away, I also had other things to worry about, like school and stuff.

Now I am sure I've also hurt my fair share of people and done more than my fair share of really stupid things so I try to keep this in mind when I get on an SCA  downer but I must admit lately it seems to be getting harder and harder for me to just enjoy it.

My favourite SCA times are from Newfoundland, the shire with the unspeakable name at the edge of the world. In my memory, in spite of some major lows, these were the very best years ever. The whole shire brunched together every single Sunday and were were friends, lovers, mates, etc.... we were family and I think my biggest problem is I want THAT feeling back.

It occurred to me as I lay in bed this morning thinking about this that my biggest problem right now is I feel as though I don't belong any more. I'm an out dated fossil whose time has passed. I don't think this is actually true but it does sum up how I feel. Displaced and out of time ( as in wrong place and time).

It's hard to be in the SCA in Germany. The central region seems to be all tiny groups and divisive bitching. People vying for awards and pats on the head.  Many people seem to view the award system with being important.  The more shinies you have the more important you are. I think this has been a problem in the SCA for a long time but it's very prevalent here and I wish people would understand that really no one is important and everyone is important. This is a hobby not a job. ( at least it shouldn't be a job at all)

There's no real sense of community here. We had that once when we first formed the shire, there were six of us, close friends and working together. The stars on the Shire device represents each of us. Every time I see the shire device I am reminded of where we began and why and when I see what we have become it makes me sad. I am partly to blame though and I know this but changing that seems to be too big of a task and I don't want to be caught in the middle of a never ending struggle for power brought on by jealousy.

Aventiure: the six stars for the six founding members Skarf, Leo, Marcus, Maeva, Ele and me. It's black and white to remind us that everything story has two sides and that while it may appear so not everything is black and white.

My lack of enthusiasm and my unwillingness to change seem to go hand in hand with the general malaise. I would hold A&S stuff at my house but quite honestly there are people I just do not want in my home. Is this evil? I don't think so, maybe it's me being mean but at least I think it's an honest answer.

But groups grow and divide as is their nature and couples split causing lines of division. Alliances shift and change and somehow things never quite seem the same. Right now, for me, here in this place it's like white noise in my head. I'm not the only person who has noticed this club, our hobby, isn't what it once was. law suits and risings costs, rules and regulations, and a general lack of ability to keep up with the technological times seem to be huge issues. One only has to look at the websites of many kingdoms and shire to see just how lacking we are. Given that the first impression of a club now is their webpage, who the hell would join us? When I compare how we present who we are and what we do with how the 501st does I truly despair. We look like a bunch of boring, disorganized bureaucrats.  We don't really present the club's strengths and it doesn't surprise me that we don't pick up new members all that much. We don't really show off an enticing, exciting face. We have so much going for us as a club but oddly enough on first blush all people really see are the dull bits.

the 501st

http://www.sca.org/

http://www.drachenwald.sca.org/index_new.php

So I pare down my SCA dealings to good friends and my SCA family, when I get a chance to see them, or hear form them as they are all over the known world. I took on one office to pull friends out of a bind but really in retrospect I shouldn't have. I asked for advice and help and got none. Then when help did come, surprisingly from an unexpected source I no longer cared. It angers me that I've let my apathy creep in. I don't like doing a bad job of things yet here I am doing a bad job. So what did I do? I took on a second job. I took on Signet but that will be fun, it's a job I know and like.

So I'm drifting.  I feel as though I no longer belong, as though I no longer have a place. I am aware that the only person who can really change this is me and that all of my ennui is entirely my own. I am aware that only I can make myself happy and only I can enjoy the hobby at hand. I stay away from events because I don't feel the need to infect the world at large with my unhappiness. I stay away from events because the last few times with one exception it felt to me as though I were an unwelcome annoyance ( not true I'm sure but perception is everything sometimes) We create our own reality. I certainly create mine. Irreconcilable differences. After such a long time I wonder if it is possible to just go back to holding hands and laughing at silly things.

pennsic 15. When we were young and life was less complicated.

Rites of Passage

So… where to begin? Shall I begin with last November which is when this great conspiracy began or shall I begin when I got an email from Master Harold saying the he and Mistress Aine were planning anther trip to Europe because they had so much fun in Italy and this time they might do Germany and was there a possibility we might get to meet up? Was there an event or something like tat we might come to so we could hangout??? Such are the ways to circumnavigate the truth.

I was of course thrilled to get to see them both again and blithely (idiot that I am) looked for venues and found one, Saturday Night Fever. Hell I even made reservations for them. Does she suspect….nope not at all.

It only occurred to me some time after this that IF anyone was going to pull that stunt this would be the event because well, Master Harold will be there….And I even mentioned these thoughts to the conspirators who took my words of and if this happens I’ll be so cross because I am coming down to see friends and family not get stuck in a tiny room all day contemplating my fate… the vigil was short for this reason and this reason alone. My friends actually listen when I gripe. (scary thought)

We arrived at the event, me a jumble of oh my god I get to see everyone again nerves and it was great, hugs all around, friends family and people I truly admire. I always look at events as family reunions with a touch of work added in because as Signet there is always work, scrolls to be delivered, questions to answer from scribes and scribe wannabes, gifts to be given and received, scribe tools to be handed out to those who need and ask and so on…it never occurred to me that there might be an alternate reason behind the smiles. UGH!

I am a bit naïve in a lot of ways. I saw the signs and even put two and two together but did not expect or even really consider the option that this WAS going to happen and had been planned for some times now and this was the reason Master Harold and Mistress Aine had come all the way here.

So when the King began to introduce my master to the populace I was just beaming proud. This man has done a lot for the East kingdom and is really truly one of the most if not the most beloved scribes there is. It was only after the reading of his achievements was done that my gut –oh oh- factor began to kick in and when my name was called that was it. Bees in my brain took over and all internal hell broke loose.

I remember taking Master H’s hand to go to the Vigil room but the only thought running through my brain was oh my god I have to pee! ( So I had to make a mad dash to the ladies before I was sequestered in a room so cold I thought I would turn into ice.)

The Vigil room was beautiful though, decorated and made austere and Comfortable all at the same time by Mistress Judith with help from others who provided wall hangings and coverings food and drink none of which I am sad to say was touched. (When I am nervous my stomach is the first thing to notice and I cannot eat.)

The first person allowed to see me was my husband, sneaky bugger who knew and there is a story behind how I knew he knew but I can tell that later. What does one say? What words are there? He is my constant companion, the other part of my heart and my conscience. He supports, comforts and guides. So it was good to have someone to hug hard before the whole thing really got going.

There were many people all of them important to me in some way. I won’t go into details because what is said to a person in this small space in the quiet of contemplation stays there, only they, the walls and me know. But all words were welcome and I remember each and every one of you clearly. (I won’t mention the discussions about whips and chains but they were funny) and the cup of tea was a godsend! My door guard was the best I could ever have had ( Lord Robin *hug*) and over all it was an extraordinary moment in my sca life which hung like a drop of ink off a quill, paused before all hell breaks loose.

After that I was set free, like a kid allowed to go early from school …wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Then I got to be with family and friends and the rest of the after noon passed as a blur of faces, hugs and stunned acceptance that yes this was actually happening, yes we have been planning this for some time and now and yes we came here just for you!. Argh! My guess is the stealth Bridget thing didn’t really work quite as I had planned.

There were presents, and I am blown away by the generosity and thoughtfulness of people who simply know me far too well. What you didn’t see is me here at home caressing the books like a lover might, pouring through their pages and going…yep… I have a lot to learn still and boy I can’t wait to try this stuff out…
I will make my thank-yous in private though, on paper with a stamp.

I know I ate lunch. It was good, who ever made that soup I had lots. I know I babbled and seemed calm. I felt calm. But the afternoon is a blur. I remember setting up for feast (how I loath that mad land grab to get table space for everyone.) but we did it. I remember doing some scalpel work on some scrolls, I remember lots and lots of hugs and a few tears but they weren’t mine.

It is my nature to accept and be fairly pragmatic as far as stuff that happens to me goes. I have had much happen to me so I tend to take it as it comes… I crash later. I was nervous before court but I am always nervous before court because I am signet. I have scribes whose work is being showcased and I am nervous for them, I know who is being given what and I am excited and nervous for them too.

Then it was my turn.

Marcus, my dearest heart and almost more nervous than I, escorted me up, and into the lion’s den I knelt. Two minutes into things my left foot arch cramped like a son of a bitch and so for any one who wondered why I was fidgety this is why.

This is a ritual. A graduation ceremony.

Guided through my part I said the words I was supposed to and I even got to finally utter the words my liege ( hah!) I always wanted to say that out loud. Seems so wonderfully formal and I didn’t stumble.

My answer was yes, even though I had been asked a dozen times earlier what I would say I did not actually say that word until it was right to be asked. I am pretty sure that had I said no a thousand angry crowds would have swooped down and torn me to shreds.

After that it was that it was my turn to listen. First Mistress Honor- who spoke of lifetimes of friendship rolled into a few years, then Sir John – reminded me that while I was once an authorised fighter it’s been a while since I clocked someone on the head and I paid for that with a torn rotator cuff muscle, then Mistress Caitrin whose tears and lost words nearly undid me. Then Master Harold whose love and respect unravelled my soul and my Queen, whose smile was the sun.

What can I say? I remember each any everyone’s words, I remember each any everyone’s smile, the intensity of their eyes. I remember being and feeling loved. For someone who doesn’t really like that many people all looking in my direction at once it was unnerving and it was glorious.

Mistress Nerissa made me a stunningly beautiful cloak. The medallion was in Harold’s keeping and is very pretty! There were more words… and at some point the kneeling part was over and I managed to get up without falling over, my knees don’t do so well any more reminding me of the sports I keep saying I will get around to…

I was told to turn around and all I remember thinking was holy cow there are a lot of people here. Then there were hugs lots and lots of hugs.

At some point after this, before food but after court Master Harold pulled out his part of my indenture papers. He told the story of how Da paid him ( I had forgotten) and there was much laughter but when he said now I have to destroy this I had to go away. When he handed me the two halves of his part something broke.

I remember going to tuck them away safely with the stunning scroll he made, but I never made that far and in the corner where all of the Dragon’s Den stuff was, behind the tables and the line up for food, the damn broke and I wept.

Eleven years ago, a man I admired and looked up to took me under his wing in spite of myself. He saw something tucked away under the arrogance of youth, under the rough unpolished gypsy dirt, and through years of quiet patience (and how I tried his,) he managed to produce me as I am today. So how can I find the words to describe what holding the torn indenture did to me? Because that was not a symbol of freedom but rather a painful letting go of the hand of someone who has always been there to hold on to. A father, a friend, a true Master. That was when I understood, kneeling on the floor behind the tables and the boxes, hold the torn pieces of my heart and soul, silently crying that I was now on my own, in as much as one ever is. Loss and gain, sorrow and joy, a rite of passage.

So there you have it. The rest of the night was a blur and I am sad to say I don’t recall much afterwards.

There is so much more but there are no words to describe everything, just images and emotions, sensation which boil in my being like sand in a storm. I am my own person now. Freed from apprenticeship but only just beginning my journey.