days like these

Days like these when the pain has me firmly in its claws, when movement is slow and careful so as not to jar the angry beast within are days when solitude is a blessing.  Living in the quiet of a sleepy street with no interruptions, no obligations so that I can hole up on one of the couches curled in electric warmth to doze the agony away.

I lose days to this disease. Minutes become hours when the hurt stretches out time like a rubberband. I can only let it pass through me and hope the journey is swift.

Today: lovely lower left quadrant abdominal pain at around a +7 this morning. If this continues we won't be going to Sweden. This is bad, as bad as I've had it for quite some time. It feels like an ovarian cyst, same pulling biting sensation, deep down inside and that shooting pain that feels like someone shot me with an arrow way low on my back. A through and through.  No fever tho, just pain lots and lots of pain.

It wears me down, the hurt, the expectation of pain, the awareness that something is not right and never will be again. My whole body reacts with anger and aggression to the flare up and there is a war going on that no one can see. rashes suddenly appear, itching happens everywhere and functions that should be unobtrusive and regular become a battle of wills.

I am sick. Today it's bad and I am grateful, deeply grateful that I have a partner who cares and loves and is sympathetic without getting angry that I am broken. That I have a partner who provides enough so that I do not have to go to work daily and struggle through a work day with a broken body and beaten up spirit. I am deeply grateful for such love. Plus he fixed my computer.

Maybe one day they will announce they have cured this awful disease but until then I will take my hormone pills, rejoice in the days where I can move without pain and try to get through the bad days as best I can.

Until then be excellent to each other.

 

The Summer that wasn't...

I posted this picture because this was a nice summer but I don't recall a lot of it. In may I had sugery and In September I was laid up with el mysterioso ankle infection. In between it was nice, there were great days but it's faded and I really don't remember much. If pressed to recall what I did this summer I couldn't really tell you.

Now it's late Autumn, l most winter and I am feeling back at square 1 ish. My body has done it's alien thing and I am in that state of flux where I waver between contemplating not living and not wanting to die and everything in between mainly due to the fact that I just don't feel so great most of the time.

I had 3 good months after the surgery where everything worked the way it was supposed to but then everything began to slip back into hell land again. Since October I have been dealing with anxiety, chest/abdominal/hip pain, hot flashes and sweats, heart palpitations and general WTF is wrong with me-ness. So essentially I am right back to where I started when I first began to suspect that something wasn't quite right.

I am so tired of this. I don't know how to express it any more. I am tired so tired that I don't even want to bother breathing some days. It's a struggle to find a reason to get up and get stuff done. It's defeatist and I am moaning but I am tired and some days I don't know how to cope with this.

Just saying that this summer went by fast. It was a good one, with great weather, a tree full of cherries and a husband who loves and tries to be as understanding as they come but some days even that is not enough.