The Summer that wasn't...

I posted this picture because this was a nice summer but I don't recall a lot of it. In may I had sugery and In September I was laid up with el mysterioso ankle infection. In between it was nice, there were great days but it's faded and I really don't remember much. If pressed to recall what I did this summer I couldn't really tell you.

Now it's late Autumn, l most winter and I am feeling back at square 1 ish. My body has done it's alien thing and I am in that state of flux where I waver between contemplating not living and not wanting to die and everything in between mainly due to the fact that I just don't feel so great most of the time.

I had 3 good months after the surgery where everything worked the way it was supposed to but then everything began to slip back into hell land again. Since October I have been dealing with anxiety, chest/abdominal/hip pain, hot flashes and sweats, heart palpitations and general WTF is wrong with me-ness. So essentially I am right back to where I started when I first began to suspect that something wasn't quite right.

I am so tired of this. I don't know how to express it any more. I am tired so tired that I don't even want to bother breathing some days. It's a struggle to find a reason to get up and get stuff done. It's defeatist and I am moaning but I am tired and some days I don't know how to cope with this.

Just saying that this summer went by fast. It was a good one, with great weather, a tree full of cherries and a husband who loves and tries to be as understanding as they come but some days even that is not enough.