art vs despair.

Yesterday I spent around 4 hours making a box I probably could have bought for a couple of euros at any store selling gift ideas. In fact we looked at many gift boxes when we were shopping on Saturday but didn't buy because I said I can make that. But it's a dilemma for me. I spent 4 hours doing this and for what? So I could put a gift in a box. It's not even a great box. I am distraught by how conflicted I feel about art vs ease. I feel as though I wasted time doing something I could have just thrown money at. At the same time I enjoy the process of making boxes and every time I make one I learn how to make the next one better, hopefully.

As an artist I wrestle with these ideas every day. As someone who rarely sells her art i wonder why I bother doing it but I'm driven to any way. It's never about making money it's about creating but of course sometimes it would be nice to also earn from the art as well.

This dark headspace of why bother is killing me. Why create things at all when all people do is destroy the earth, waste more than we use, hate and kill each other? Why create at all? I don't know what to do any more and this indecision paralyzes me.

Yesterday I made a box and I wonder why I did it and that makes me incredibly sad.

crows and other flights of fancy

We were in Bremen this weekend to see Alice Cooper in concert. It was a fantastic concert, Alice knows how to put on a great show. So do the crows at the Breman Hauptbahnhof. I could have stood in the cold and watched them all day. We didn't have the big camera with us of course but I took pictures on M's phone.If I can figure out how to get at them I'll post some later.

Everyone who knows me knows I have a serious thing with crows. I watch them, I talk to them and when ever I can I try very hard to capture them either on some sort of canvas, paper or film digital or other.

I would have painted crows today but they were not interested in being painted so instead I did other things with water colours. The past few days have seen me restless so I've been painting, mostly washy watercolours stuff that is without restraint the way the medieval stuff is, it's not exacting and I get to slop colour and water around with abandon. It's messy and fun and sometimes the results are gorgeous. I do stuff to the paper with a scalpel and sand paper, with salt just to get nifty effects. And to see what happens. My dad was a purist when it came to water colours but he experimented from time to time and the results were always cool so I just follow his lead.

I'm not nearly as accomplished at watercolours as my dad was but i don't deal with them nearly enough to develop his amazing technique. However I do enjoy the occasional dip in the pool.  It makes a nice change from this:

enjoy.