art vs despair.

Yesterday I spent around 4 hours making a box I probably could have bought for a couple of euros at any store selling gift ideas. In fact we looked at many gift boxes when we were shopping on Saturday but didn't buy because I said I can make that. But it's a dilemma for me. I spent 4 hours doing this and for what? So I could put a gift in a box. It's not even a great box. I am distraught by how conflicted I feel about art vs ease. I feel as though I wasted time doing something I could have just thrown money at. At the same time I enjoy the process of making boxes and every time I make one I learn how to make the next one better, hopefully.

As an artist I wrestle with these ideas every day. As someone who rarely sells her art i wonder why I bother doing it but I'm driven to any way. It's never about making money it's about creating but of course sometimes it would be nice to also earn from the art as well.

This dark headspace of why bother is killing me. Why create things at all when all people do is destroy the earth, waste more than we use, hate and kill each other? Why create at all? I don't know what to do any more and this indecision paralyzes me.

Yesterday I made a box and I wonder why I did it and that makes me incredibly sad.