Tuesday, 4 January 2011
days like these
Days like these when the pain has me firmly in its claws, when movement is slow and careful so as not to jar the angry beast within are days when solitude is a blessing. Living in the quiet of a sleepy street with no interruptions, no obligations so that I can hole up on one of the couches curled in electric warmth to doze the agony away.
I lose days to this disease. Minutes become hours when the hurt stretches out time like a rubberband. I can only let it pass through me and hope the journey is swift.
Today: lovely lower left quadrant abdominal pain at around a +7 this morning. If this continues we won't be going to Sweden. This is bad, as bad as I've had it for quite some time. It feels like an ovarian cyst, same pulling biting sensation, deep down inside and that shooting pain that feels like someone shot me with an arrow way low on my back. A through and through. No fever tho, just pain lots and lots of pain.
It wears me down, the hurt, the expectation of pain, the awareness that something is not right and never will be again. My whole body reacts with anger and aggression to the flare up and there is a war going on that no one can see. rashes suddenly appear, itching happens everywhere and functions that should be unobtrusive and regular become a battle of wills.
I am sick. Today it's bad and I am grateful, deeply grateful that I have a partner who cares and loves and is sympathetic without getting angry that I am broken. That I have a partner who provides enough so that I do not have to go to work daily and struggle through a work day with a broken body and beaten up spirit. I am deeply grateful for such love. Plus he fixed my computer.
Maybe one day they will announce they have cured this awful disease but until then I will take my hormone pills, rejoice in the days where I can move without pain and try to get through the bad days as best I can.
Until then be excellent to each other.