The Summer that wasn't...

I posted this picture because this was a nice summer but I don't recall a lot of it. In may I had sugery and In September I was laid up with el mysterioso ankle infection. In between it was nice, there were great days but it's faded and I really don't remember much. If pressed to recall what I did this summer I couldn't really tell you.

Now it's late Autumn, l most winter and I am feeling back at square 1 ish. My body has done it's alien thing and I am in that state of flux where I waver between contemplating not living and not wanting to die and everything in between mainly due to the fact that I just don't feel so great most of the time.

I had 3 good months after the surgery where everything worked the way it was supposed to but then everything began to slip back into hell land again. Since October I have been dealing with anxiety, chest/abdominal/hip pain, hot flashes and sweats, heart palpitations and general WTF is wrong with me-ness. So essentially I am right back to where I started when I first began to suspect that something wasn't quite right.

I am so tired of this. I don't know how to express it any more. I am tired so tired that I don't even want to bother breathing some days. It's a struggle to find a reason to get up and get stuff done. It's defeatist and I am moaning but I am tired and some days I don't know how to cope with this.

Just saying that this summer went by fast. It was a good one, with great weather, a tree full of cherries and a husband who loves and tries to be as understanding as they come but some days even that is not enough.

You have to embrace TeH suck!

I keep trying wrap my head around it but somehow nothing seems to sink in. 1 in 10 women have this disease but so little seems to be done about it that I am in awe of the ignorance out there. Most of the people I know who I tell have no clue what it is. Endometriosis...what's that?

So my question is are women so unimportant in the grand scheme of things that a major disease which is chronic, painful and causes among other things infertility so unimportant that most people have never heard of this? 1 in 10 women have this disease and most people have never heard of it. Mention the word Viagra and EVERYONE knows what that's for.

I have endometriosis and cystic ovaries as well as adhesions. I had surgery to find out wtf was going on in May and even the head Gyn guy was clueless when he looked at the ultrasound. "Probably your bowels" he said. Well in a way he was right because the adhesions had latched onto my guts and the adhesions were from the endometriosis so..... in a round about way he was right.

This disease is tiring. I spend a lot of time exhausted and I spend a lot of time with pain. It's a daily thing though some days are better than others. Given what I read from some of the women out there who also suffer from this I am fairly lucky because most of the time I can function in a normal capacity and get away with just taking OTC pain killers when things get too bad.

though I suppose lucky is also a relative term.

sad

How is it that someone I once knew and cared a great deal for can pass away and I didn't know. It seems so wrong somehow.

Brynjulf Alver

This man was amazing and kind. I loved him dearly, to this day I still treasure and read his wonderful letters to me and the Norwegian Calendar stick he sent me still hangs in my art studio. We lost touch with each other and went our separate ways and today I learnt that he died in February of this year. I am so sad that I never tried harder to find him again.