RE-Cycled Crows

the cursed book....

2012-01-23T15:53:00.002+01:00

I'm giving up. Obviously the universe does NOT want me to have this book.

Calligraphic Flourishing: A New Approach to an Ancient Art by Bill Hildebrandt

I have tried to order it 4 times. Twice the order was rejected because the book was suddenly not in stock and twice the book was ordered, sent and never made it to my house ( 4 completely different sellers) I'm pretty sure something weird is going on.

sigh.

oh well once paypal gets through holding my refund for a week I guess I'm 45- euro richer.

No and other useful words to learn.

2012-01-21T23:24:00.000+01:00

We were at 12th night coronation a few weeks ago, held in a smallish medieval town in Germany called Miltenberg which is a really pretty place. We hadn't wanted to come really because we had just been in Miltenberg the weekend right before for New Year's Eve ( and left the town standing after an hour's worth of large fireworks) but there were some things to do at the event namely Marcus taking over as Baronial seneschal and he felt we needed to be there for this and he was not wrong in this thinking. So we booked a hotel and made plans. It was a good event in spite of various annoying things and weird somewhat unhappy undercurrents going on. It ended up that with some small negotiations I ended up taking on my 3rd SCA apprentice at the event. I waited a long time before I took anyone under my wing after the 1st.

Like, I suspect, many new laurels we wait a bit shedding the role of apprentice ourselves to slip in to the role of "master". Ailitha was always my minion though long before I was elevated so that was a no brainer. She calls me MamaB and we conspire together. She comes and goes as she pleases and I spoil her rotten but she has mad skillz and I am delighting in watching her grow as an artist as well as a young woman. I may not be her blood family but I could not be more proud of her if I was. Since her SCA goals are radically different than most people's ( that is she's enjoying the hobby when she has time rather than pushing to be on a fast track) I don't feel the need to kick her butt to get her going but rather let her find her own way in and out of the scribe world with some hints and nudging along the way. She is one of those rare creatures who just gets it and if I need to point out flaws she nods and makes corrections without feeling hurt or disappointed which makes my job so easy I get spoiled.

I waited several years before I took on a 2nd apprentice and that was for completely different reasons. I am a calligraphy and Illumination laurel and Gunhild is a late period costumer. But the needs were different. She needed someone to nudge and push and introduce her to how stuff is done in the SCA ( not how costumes are done because she knows more about this in her little pinky nail that I do in my entire universe) but she needed backup. Someone she could count on to be there for her and help her learn the ropes. She wanted someone who was close by and I think that we are friends really helps a lot. I felt she needed a laurel's attention, someone to point out her work and show case it. I may not have mad costuming skillz but I do possess an uncanny ability to blog like a fiend when I want to. So I post her work and make her explain about it, document it, and nudge her to teach etc...there are things we are working on but it takes time to prep a shy person to get up and teach in front of other people, especially when there is a language barrier there as well. So really I feel more like a guide than a "master" in this case and we have a lot to teach each other. It's a nice relationship and we're comfortable with it in a good way.

Now I have a 3rd apprentice and this is where the number stays. For me, three people to teach, guide, etc... is enough. She marks a bit of a change for me in that she will be the 1st apprentice I have taken on who was not a close friend first. In fact, all things considered, we hardly know each other in real life because we've only met at a couple of events and really only two of those ( including the one where we signed the indenture) did I get to spend much time with her. So for me, in terms of a master apprentice relationship this one probably comes closest to the norm. ( not that I think there is a norm for this but you get what I mean). This is not to say we won't become great friends or anything like that so don't misunderstand me, but right now she is my apprentice and I her master and we are learning what that means. It's going to be a fun journey (I hope).

It's a huge responsibility. You take on a close and somewhat personal relationship to guide, teach and take care of another human being in an artistic field. In essence suddenly one has the power to make or break another person's love for an art, their artistic development and how they eventually will teach and pass on their knowledge to others. This is a big deal and I can't stress that enough. It is not a relationship I ever took or take on lightly. I think a great deal about how to best teach, how to best give positive critique,, how to best be both mentor and friend and how to push the apprentice ( all three in this case) forward so that in the end they exceed the teachings and excel beyond my skills to go on and pass along to the next person. The student should surpass the master. If that doesn't happen then I haven't done my job right. and make no mistake this is a job. ( a fun job)

One of the most important things I think that anyone in this mentor position can teach a person is when and how to say no.

I've touched on this before but lately I have been hearing a lot about how when people who do stuff for free say no I can't do that they have been getting crap for it. Bullied about it and coerced into reversing their "no" to an okay I'll do it.

This is one of my pet peeves.

It took me a while to learn that no is also an answer.

And that is exactly what it is. Nothing more and nothing less.

When you ask if a person can do something for you and they say no it doesn't mean "I hate you", it doesn't mean "You suck" it also doesn't mean "no really I mean yes but I need to be convinced" It just means no, negative, nein, niet, nej etc...

In a society such as the SCA we run on volunteers and there are the doers and the takers just like in any group. Unfortunately lately I see a lot more takers than doers and hear a lot of bitching about people saying no when a yes was the desired answer.

This is like beating a dead horse with a stick to make it go faster. It doesn't work.

All this sort of behaviour does is drive the doers away.

I teach all of my apprentices to say no- guilt free. If they can't do something, can't work an event, can't make 10 scrolls in a week, can't sew your dress, can't do the dishes can't or don't want to ( fill in the blank) then they can and should say no. Politely. I also tell them that if they get flack for this then they should direct said person giving them flack to me and I will deal with it. My way of dealing with things would be slightly less polite if things escalate to a point where I have to step in.

I get that it is disappointing to hear the word no especially when a person is expecting a yes. But in a volunteer run group it should be expected and accepted. There are a lot of people waiting in the wings who would liked to be asked and rarely are because it's easy to rely on the few who have been working their asses off.

So some advice for the takers. No means no. accept it and move on.
some advice to the doers : Say no when you don't want to do something because I guarantee you when you say yes all the time eventually you will hate what was once a lot of fun. It is okay to take some me time, especially if you are learning a skill.

Once you have all mastered the art of saying and accepting no we'll move onto lesson number two which is how to say Thank-you.

merry ho ho and all that

2011-12-27T10:37:00.002+01:00

tis the season...

Wishing you all a happy prosperous kind new year.

green is not always good. ( C/P from my lj cuz I'm lazy)

2011-12-19T18:30:00.004+01:00

When I was a kid I remember that I used to hate my baby sister. The number one reason was jealousy.I also remember that somewhere along the line I made a conscious decision to let that go. I remember that light bulb moment so clearly it's almost surreal. Jealousy is an utter waste of time.

When my friends have successes in their lives I celebrate with them. I'm super happy for them because it's their happiness I care about not the eternal question that seems joined at Jealousy's hip - why don't I get any good luck ( or a variation thereof). I came to understand that no matter how much I might wish for something the only person who could make it happen was me. Now granted there has been some majorly lucky breaks in my life as well but they ALL came about because I chose to do or say something at a specific time and place and that choice led me to the next wonderful step.

I have been lucky and I am well aware of this but I also make my own luck by being me and that includes making mistakes as well. I had a conversation with one of my best friends recently who is having some negative energy thrown her way at work but people who don't get it. She has had a few major successes in her life recently but I can tell you these are all due to a shit load of seriously hard work. I find it sad when people snitch and get snarky because really underneath they are green with envy over someone else's "good fortune".

I been on that end of the stick too. I can't count how many times I've heard "You don't know how lucky you are." when actually I DO know and I am grateful and I don't expect the world handed to me on a platter. I've lost friends, well people I thought were friends, over stupid stuff like this. I share my good fortune and I'd like to think that I'm a fairly generous person most of the time but i don't like being taken for a ride and I hate being used. I've learned the hard way along this road that sometimes you have to walk away from people who are like that and you have to walk away from people who can't be happy for you.

Being jealous of my sister wrecked havoc on our relationship for years. I always felt she got the sweet end of everything but that's not and never was the case. She was tossed into the deep end just like the rest of us and she made the best of it. Now, of course half way through my life I see that and I am incredibly grateful that I was smart enough to get my shit together and get over myself. We are, I hope, friends, and I admire her more than I tell her. She took risks when I didn't, she jumped off the deep end and learned how to fly long before I did and I learned from her that some times you have to take risks to get where you want to go.

Just like my friend who is taking risks and moving up the ladder of success in the field she loves. The people who mob her at work, who don't get it will be left behind when she goes forward. She's brilliant and talented and lovely. And like so many others now she has to deal with BS because someone can't see past their own nose.

I was asked by someone recently about being jealous over other people's works, ( pertaining to the medieval world) and I said of course it happens. I look at someone who is better than me and there is a pang there. I'd be lying if I said otherwise but in difference to way back when I was an idiot now I take that as a sign I still have a ways to go and things to learn and there will ALWAYS be someone out there who is better, kinder, prettier, stronger, slimmer, and whatever than I am. ALWAYS. This is the way of the world and some days it bites but it is easy to get over when you realise that other people's joys and successes and luck are just not your own. As soon as you figure this out life is grand. Start to count your own blessings. Are you healthy? Are you loved? this list is endless.

I try not to hurt people along the way and I do try to be mindful of other people's feelings and rights but at the same time I look after myself and part of that starts with letting go of jealousy. It's useless.

Saying Goodbye

2011-12-16T12:06:00.002+01:00

Merlyn and her Uncle Vahlek in his tatooine home.

It was a long wonderful, up and down ride but finally last night the MMO called Star Wars Galaxies came to an end and I am unbelievably saddened by this.

I started played under duress. My husband who had already been 6 months in had badgered and cajoled and eventually created "Merlyn" to show me how much fun it was. I ended up getting into it because he played me all wrong. It was the beginning of an amazing journey into a sandbox world advertised at the greatest star wars adventure of all times...yours. and it was. I can't describe the first time I saw Vader in game, or when I explored the vast deserts of Tatooine for real and got caught in a sandstorm. These moments were magical.

The sandbox allowed for in game housing and items a person could decorate. There were shops of all kinds full of things to buy ranging from clothes to weapons to everything else that could be sold. You could chat with other players from all around the world and it was a community with cities, guilds and cantinas of fun.

I made real life friends. I used the game to help me write Daughter of the Empire, characters from the game crossed into the books and vice versa. It doesn't seem so coincidental that shortly after I finished the last book so the game also ends.

It was a virtual world with virtual characters and now it's all gone. Saved on a disk somewhere and switched off. And I am sad, deeply deeply sad.

I could say a whole lot more about this because there is a lot more to talk about , a great amount of vitriol to be showered on Lucas Arts and that POS SWTOR which they happily replaced my game with even though they said that would never happen. In the end what I took away from this is that Lucas Arts lie and nothing they do or say is to be trusted...ever. So SWG you were my first real mmo love and like all first loves you broke my heart. Not sure I will ever be able to feel this way again about another game and probably this is a good thing.

Why I said no....

2011-12-14T16:48:00.002+01:00

It is some how assumed that as an artist when someone says will you do X for me the answer will always be why yes of course. For me this is NOT the case.

I don't often take commissions. The reasons are varied and subjective but mostly it's because I have had REALLY bad experiences with doing so. I learned this at an early age. In highschool I was asked to do a portrait of someone's dog and I did it with the expectation I would get paid. When I had completed the drawing which was pretty good I asked her for money and was flatly told "no thanks I don't want this any more." I felt as though I had been slapped in the face. Now I had this drawing of a dog...yay me. I think my mum kept it for a while because she really liked it.

What I took away from this was that people are asshats. They want free work and treat you like crap when you ask to be paid for the work you did. I have since learned this is not always the case but I now divide my art world into two very distinct parts. The art I do and give away because I don't expect to be paid for it, don't need or want to be paid for it or its part of the SCA and payment is not ever an option. (2) The art I do on rare occasions where I DO expect money.

Number 2 doesn't happen often because I'm not a sale's person. I don't have a clue how to sell my own work anyway and it makes me very uncomfortable to do so. I just like to make stuff.

I turn down commissions a lot because I just *know* they will all end in tears. The list of I wants usually turns into but that's not what I wanted. It's a frustrating process because no matter how hard I try I cannot read people's minds and my vision and execution of an idea will always be different from theirs no matter what. The headache and hassle and loss of friendships that sometimes ensues the taking of a commission has made me just never want to deal with it so I don't. I say no, thank you for thinking of me but no.

If I make art that someone likes and wants to buy that is a vastly different kettle of fish. Sure I will happily sell you this pre-existing painting. And if someone asks me to do them a painting and are not specific about it that's also great. But it's when the list of must haves are greater than days in the year that I get nervous.The problem with such things is invariably the recipient is never truly happy. I endeavour to please and feel as though I have failed when that doesn't happen. So this is a set up to lose situation for me and I'd just rather not.

It's nothing personal. Me saying no doesn't mean I hate you and we are not friends or what ever. It is an valid answer to a question/ query/ request. I hope that people will accept it, respect it and move on to find someone who can fulfill their art desires.

It is important to understand that people have the right to refuse anything. It took me a long time but I learned to say no and it feels great.

what crooks the back and curls the fingers

2011-12-02T00:18:00.001+01:00

I'm working on some scrolls. For those of you in the dark this is what scribes in the Society for Creative Anachronism do. We create medieval style works of art that act as certificates of merit for a variety of awards signifying some sort of good deed or work done, a passage of time and craft well learned or just being helpful. You get the picture.

While not historically accurate in their presentation we like shiny pretty stuff so we copy pages from things like 14th Century books of hours or burn out our eyes trying to emulate Celtic mysteries in the form of knots and stylized creatures.

I'm not entirely sure WHY we do this since it's all original art and we give it away for free. But we do.

I've been at this for a while now and my library shows this. My skills have definitely improved and sometimes I even like what i do. Mostly I like the process and the exacting nature of it all. It's tight art. you stay in the lines and stick to a script. It's about knowing and understanding the patterns used by many monks sitting in drafty halls cursing the dark and smiling at the antics of cats. ( sometimes even writing poetry about said cats)

We steal from the past to recreate the past only with a modern twist since we use electricity to see by when it's dark and more often than not our paints come from factories and our paper is not made from the skin of dead animals. ( although there are many who do try to go all the way when it comes to getting it right and being historically accurate)

I like the exacting nature of this art form. I love when I get it almost perfect ( because it's never 100% perfect ever) I love when the gilding shines the way it should and the paints blend just so and the white work or filigree is bang on. I'm in my comfort zone here. I haven't actually stepped out of it for a while because the next step is actually using medieval pigments and parchment and I'm not there yet but it's coming.

Of course I have come a long way since my first attempts so the journey has been fruitful.

art in circles

2011-12-01T15:00:00.000+01:00

On the whole I'm a pretty sporadic blogger. I want to do this every day, share my thoughts, be wild and open but the truth is I do too many other things which include writing other things.

Lately it's been painting, specifically water colours. Something I inherited from my dad who was pretty damned brilliant at it. I guess I learned a thing or two from all the nights I sat at his art bench watching him paint because some thing seem to come naturally although I can hear his voice explaining why he did certain things to me. My child's brain just was happy to be watching my dad my adult brain was and is grateful for the sponge effect of soaking up all that knowledge.

My latest binge is tiny water colour paintings to be stuck on card stock as cards. I hate crappy bought Christmas cards. I do not expect people to make their own so I get the need for store bought stuff but I find them trite and somewhat boring. I decided this year that instead of not sending cards at all as is my usual method of Christmas stupid season avoidance I would make cards. After all a little home made water colour painting is kind of nice right?

Mostly though I really just like sloshing water, paint and colour about to see what I get.

This is what I got.

kind cool.

busy busy

2011-11-22T15:10:00.000+01:00

crows and other flights of fancy

2011-11-15T16:36:00.002+01:00

We were in Bremen this weekend to see Alice Cooper in concert. It was a fantastic concert, Alice knows how to put on a great show. So do the crows at the Breman Hauptbahnhof. I could have stood in the cold and watched them all day. We didn't have the big camera with us of course but I took pictures on M's phone.If I can figure out how to get at them I'll post some later.

Everyone who knows me knows I have a serious thing with crows. I watch them, I talk to them and when ever I can I try very hard to capture them either on some sort of canvas, paper or film digital or other.

I would have painted crows today but they were not interested in being painted so instead I did other things with water colours. The past few days have seen me restless so I've been painting, mostly washy watercolours stuff that is without restraint the way the medieval stuff is, it's not exacting and I get to slop colour and water around with abandon. It's messy and fun and sometimes the results are gorgeous. I do stuff to the paper with a scalpel and sand paper, with salt just to get nifty effects. And to see what happens. My dad was a purist when it came to water colours but he experimented from time to time and the results were always cool so I just follow his lead.

I'm not nearly as accomplished at watercolours as my dad was but i don't deal with them nearly enough to develop his amazing technique. However I do enjoy the occasional dip in the pool. It makes a nice change from this:

enjoy.

eventing we will go...

2011-10-25T11:49:00.003+01:00

Miltenberg, Germany

So after a mad week or scribing, looking for stuff, gathering all the things we need then packing garb we left on Friday for the drive down to Miltenberg. It was nuts. I do mean nuts. Every loonie in Germany was on the road and none of them had a clue how to drive. I am so grateful that Marcus knows how to drive well and seems to have a pretty amazing 6th sense about the idiots and what they plan to do without indicator light or looking in their rear view mirrors or checking their blind spots. It was a long rather scary drive down and it took us longer than we had hoped but we made it in one piece. Which was great.

We checked into the hotel, an 800 year old building that started off life as army barracks and somewhere in the middle of its life was a prison. As hotels go it was so so. Too soft beds, kind of run down a tad the rooms had that shabby sweetness to them. However...the rooms were clean and the heat was on ( except for the 1st night where I was incredibly cold)

The hotel has an amazing restaurant with lovely food and the owners are fantastic. The breakfast coffee was bad bad bad tho. ( just saying)

We found Cecelia in the restaurant and eventually joined her for food and had a great chat before heading upstairs to get dressed and head up to the site. After much schlepping ( the husband did not want to give up his sweet parking spot) The site was gorgeous. And it was nice to see people.

Stuff on the to do list - vigil foods etc.. and baby shower stuff. I was alarmed to hear Ary and Ruth and her family were in a serious car accident and grateful no one was hurt. Anyway the evening was a buzz of vigil prep, court, baby shower, friends, and I don't recall flitting about so much in a long long time.

The babyshower was fun but it would not have been so wonderful without Diane's help and cheerful enthusiasm and baking abilities.

The vigil was beautiful and it was awesome to get to know SvartulfR a little better. I love this group of people I am lucky to be a part of. It's wonderful to feel as though I belong to something magical and wasn't just an afterthought or some pawn in a larger political game.

Friday night late we wandered back along cobbled streets to go to bed. Sadly it was so damned cold in the hotel room and the duvet was too thin so I was awake, freezing with savage headache.

Next morning we joined the girls for breakfast and had a leisurely start to the day. Then Marcus and I went sight seeing to clear my head and maybe stave off some of the aches. It was a wonderful morning, bright and sunny so the walk around this gorgeous fachwerk town was stunning.

Saturday the rest of the event was amazingly fun. Feast was delicious and in the mid day so it left a lot of time afterwards for the usual schmoozing and mingling. Court was awesome but I gotta say I could live without the drama. Seriously some times I really wonder what people are thinking. Rude and ignorant doesn't even begin to describe some of the crap that went down. An award is something you accept gracefully even if you don't want it or you don't show up at court.

I have a whole lot more to say on this subject but in the interest of not turning the blog into a rant about people and their drama I'll stop here. Needless to say it was an event with a lot of drama sometimes I feel as though I'm watching a soap opera in real time.

The night went by too quickly and we had a lot of fun. This was a really great event and a nice opportunity to get to see and know what people are doing in terms of the arts.

Sunday we had awesome breakfast with Cecelia and Alithia and then popped up to the event site to clear up stuff and say goodbye then drove to Dietzenbach to hang out for the evening with our very good non sca friend Carsten and then on Monday we drove home.

All in all it was a fun, enlightening, great event.

annoyed

2011-10-14T12:18:00.000+01:00

I personally do not think that peer like qualities include trying to mobilize people to fight in crown just so that a certain pair won't win. Perhaps the person entering is arrogant and perhaps you don't like them much but that doesn't make it right to try an organize a campaign to block or shut someone out. Your personal feelings towards a possible ruling pair are NOT everyone else's.

I've been hearing rumblings for a while now about this but enough people have now confirmed it that I feel I have to speak out. I find this sort of back stabbing, nasty behavior to be incredibly un-peer like, unchivalrous and unbecoming. If you don't like the pair fair enough, if you really want to keep them from being king and queen then win the fucking crown yourselves don't runaround to everyone you can bad mouthing them and trying to make it so that they can't win at all. Personally this makes me want to NEVER play while you are ruling should this ever happen.

A personal vendetta is just that personal do not take it to the public arena.

the virtual...

2011-10-09T08:17:00.001+01:00


The Imperial Oasis, Tatooine (Starsider)

I'm a bad blogger. I'm sporadic and unreliable. This is because primarily I am either dog and bone on one topic and I don't feel the need to bore the world over and over with my ranting or I am busy doing other stuff and words have been tucked away for a rainy day.
Lately it's been gaming that's stolen my brain.

Star Wars Galaxies to be exact. SWG my first MMORPG and the one that has over and over again broken my gaming heart will be shut down on Dec 15th. What a shock ( not) although Lucas Arts ( who lie) stated they would not be shutting the game down ( rather they phrased it as we see no reason why the game cannot continue in parallel with TOR ) will be shutting the game down ( surprise surprise) 5 days BEFORE TOR launches for public gaming.

While not terribly surprised by this sneaky move I never the less think it's sad. SWG is a one of a kind game that no matter what one thought did the unusual. It, for the most part, allowed players to do stuff without direction and storyline. There was true freedom in the game, a lot of leeway for being creative and a place for everyone to find a niche plus it was Star Wars.

I won't be playing TOR ( Knights of The Old Republic) For a few reasons.

1. Lucas Arts lies. They dick players around and after having my heart busted once ( NGE) I have sworn never again. I can find other places to spend my money.

2. TOR is set in the way back time period and really has nothing to do with the Star Wars I know and love. I'm not a lightsaber waving jedi fan-girl anyway and I don't give a rat's ass about this time period.

3. I might have considered trying it out ALONGSIDE SWG but since 5 days before TOR starts my beloved game, the one I have invested 7 years and god knows how much money into is being unceremoniously shut down to make way for the new kid on the block I won't touch TOR with a fifty foot pole.

It's pretty easy to make the conclusion that somewhere along the line Lucas Arts probably offered Bioware the deal of being the only star wars MMO with no direct competition and thus SWG has to go. It's old and not enough players play it. But really if the WOW fanbois hadn't tried to copy WOW into what was a pretty unique game maybe just maybe SWG would not be the problem child.

I remember asking Steve Sansweet at a convention a few years back( then Lucas arts fan liaison guy) about whether or not LA had plans for another MMO. His answer, aside from being rude, was that LA had NO plans for another MMO aside from SWG.

We knew in that moment that SWG was doomed. The rumour mill had already been pretty lively and his words cinched the deal. When anyone from Lucas Arts says something definitely won't happen..... you can pretty much guarantee it's a done deal.

So my brain is currently lost in the virtual while I try to finish up projects in game, get all my amazing player houses decorated up and set up my toons ( we have 7 accts in total so 14 characters) so that when they pull the plug these virtual people have a place to live on.

Yes I am attached to this game, the virtual world it provides and the characters I've created. I will be sad when they pull the plug and I won't ever touch another Lucas Arts game again. In fact we've pretty much decided to shy away from giving George our money ( Unless it's an absolute must have )

Between Facebook's crappy changes and my game shutting down, it looks like I will have a LOT more free time on my hands. This is probably a good thing seeing as how I have a rather long list of real world projects I want to get done.

WTF?

2011-09-25T11:10:00.000+01:00

While trying to unsubscribe to all my facebook friend feeds to get rid of some of the terribly annoying scrolling bar crap I get this pop up. Seriously? I am gettingnailed for spamming while using one of facebook's new shiny features?

On the subject of fanfic writing....

2011-09-13T08:25:00.000+01:00

"Thrawn Legacy" by Grant Gould

(you can buy a copy of this print here sale of prints)

I'll be upfront and say I hate the term "fanfic".

That word brings to mind badly written fantasies and stuff better left to the darkest regions of some people's minds.

Now before the avalanche of hate mail begins let me also say I KNOW this is not always the case and there are some amazing people out there writing fanfics. And I don't hate the fiction itself I'm just pretty indifferent about it.

I don't write fanfics in the general sense of the term because until I started Daughter of the Empire I actually wrote my own stories with my own characters and I still do. It's not that I can't see the value in being a fanfic writer but mostly it never ever appealed to me. I never wanted to mess with other people's characters so much I felt driven to write stories with them and about them. The honest truth was it never really occurred to me and the few times it did I recognized it for what it was ( a teenaged crush on a fictional character) and stepped away from it. That being said I almost never read it either. I don't tend to go actively looking for "fan-fictions" although I have on a couple of rare occasions and even more rarely been pleasantly surprised because there is a lot of very badly written stuff out there and it's scary.

I started writing Daughter of the Empire, I was writing "merlyn's story" and that came about from a clash of many things.
1. It was in my brain. The what if you were Darth Vader's personal assistant stuck like old porridge.
2. the general amount of really great star wars fiction out there is very limited. Seriously I stopped reading after the new jedi order.
3.Once I started I wanted to finish but I had no idea it would take me 3 books worth of words to do that.

I am certain that in the fanfic world there are some absolutely amazing writers. Writers who care about their craft, rewrite and edit until their fingers bleed so that their stories are perfect. I know that there are fanfic sites with lots of rules, grammar and spelling regulations, profanity and sex filters as well as awards and everything else you can think of. The world of Fan fiction is huge vast and difficult to navigate without a guide.

One of my friends who does read a lot keeps throwing out terminology to me expecting me to know what it means. When I ask for explanations the other day she said "you know for writing fan fiction you sure don't know the lingo." my immediate response both in thought and in reply was "that's because I don't write fanfics."

And I don't.

Which leads me to ask if I don't write fan fiction then what the hell is Daughter of the Empire? Because it certainly classifies as such. I don't really know. I call them novels based in the Star Wars universe which they are but I add a hell of a lot of stuff that's not Star wars. There are a ton of original characters, situations, plots etc.. that are totally mine and it's all based around existing stories without interfering in the existing stories. I use some of the most beloved Star wars characters to tell my character's story not the other way around. It was my way of keeping that Star Wars love alive ( hey wait a sec isn't that what fan fiction does????)

The biggest complaint ( if you can call it that) that I've read in other people's comments on their own blogs and forums is that it's long ( very long) hell yes it's long because they are novels not short stories. And while now during the massive edit rewrite I'll drop a lot of the fill and redundant stuff, they are still going to be long ( around 500-800 pages 1.5 spaced)

And yes there are some pretty hot sex scenes in there. It's not suitable for children under the age of 16 / 18 depending on what country you live in but I wouldn't call it pornographic either. There is a big difference between porn and erotic writing and I'm not all that interested in the former since it seems to be more about a step by step how to manual than using words in a delicious manner to arouse. People who had had sex already know what to do ( most of the time) and people who have not yet entered that delicious arena of indoor sports don't really need a complete step by step of every single boring detail. Because really the how to's are dull it's the how it makes you feel that's interesting and for that one doesn't need to get too technical. In fact most of the best erotic fiction I have ever read never mentions the words vagina or penis or any of the funky pet names for those anatomical parts at all. ( this includes the ever popular "flaming rod of manhood" or "moist flower of womanhood" ..erm yeah)

I've been asked once or twice why I never posted the dote on a fanfic site. and there are a couple of reasons for this.

1. I didn't know most of these places existed when I began writing these books
2. Once I did find them I discovered TOO many rules and I hated the format.
3. I liked having complete control over the site and the contents. ( as much control as anyone can ever have with their stuff on the internet)

So I will reiterate what I have said elsewhere before. This was never ever set up to be a Thrawn or Vader fanfic, not ever. I know people read it that way but it was never the intent. In fact in the very first drafts of the books waaaaaaaaaaaaay back when, Thrawn didn't really exist in her world and she had a boyfriend on Tatooine ( not Jyrki) and Vader was just a boss. It grew over the space of about 15 or so years and blossomed when I began to play Star Wars galaxies and write because it was either write or go mad.

So here we are X number of years later and I've finished what I set out to do which was tell the story of a girl who got the worst job in the Star wars galaxy. Now I'm doing what all good writer's should do. I'm going back over it with a fine tooth comb and clearing out the clutter, editing for spelling, typos and grammar and then handing it off to a proof reader/s so that the final versions can be hosted and left alone.

There will be short stories because they are just fun to write and those few in the circle of silliness also get to read the ones that don't get hosted on the webpage or the facebook page because they really are too hot and not something I want up on a public access site at all. But they are fun to read and write.

I have more stories to write and they have nothing to do with Star Wars. ( or any other established world out there)

I assume people will read these books because like me they are looking for more and I assume they finish them because they enjoy them. At least I hope so. It was a great project and as a writer I learned so so much from doing it. I also got great satisfaction of being able to run through some fairly wild plots and manage to tie it all up. I was surprised by that because there were days when I was like oh my god how am I going to deal with this... that's part of the beauty of writing. Stuff comes back to haunt you and it's usable.

So yes, the books are long. Yes they take place in the Star Wars universe. Yes they contain Thrawn and Vader and a few other wonderful established Star Wars characters but is it fanfic? I don't know and in the end I guess that doesn't matter.

but I still dislike the term.

star wars....

2011-09-04T16:43:00.000+01:00

Rumi ( made by Steph guarding the unedited manuscript of DOTE and a short story waiting to be hand bound.

This is Rumi, he was a gift from Steph. ( thank you so much )

I'm almost done with the big edit of my crazy assed star wars fanfic Daughter of the Empire book 1 (okay it's a novel) and then it goes to Steph to be groomed for grammar etc...before being uploaded somewhere for download. I am hoping it will be in decent PDF format and that people could read it on the e-readers if possible.

Hand made greetings cards by Kirsten and a bookplate signed by Timothy Zahn.

There has been a LOT of kerfuffle lately about the leaked changes to Star Wars on the new blue ray disks. Personally that while yes GL can do what he pleases to his art at the same time I don't have to be pleased with what he does. I do not think it will ruin or rape my childhood memories and saying shit like that is lame. But it will make me think LONG and HARD about spending money on Star Wars stuff I don't necessarily want.
I do, as an artist, find it weird and sad that he cannot seem to let go and that he doesn't really know when to stop. Yes I know it's his stuff but this is my opinion and I am entitled to it. I don't read a lot of star wars fiction any more because quite frankly I find it badly written, poorly thought out tripe.
I will buy books by T. Zahn but sometimes even he disappoints. ( or at least confuses ).

me in my Tatooine day wear

in the end I love star wars.

But just because I love something doesn't mean I give up my opinions either.

distractions

2011-08-20T13:52:00.000+01:00

I'm supposed to be editing but the book is making me cross eye'd right now and I find myself easily distracted. Of course it's easy to be distracted with things like work and facebook.

I don't often write about work because there's not so much to write about and there's a confidentiality issues which is a line I don't want to cross. But I can talk about some stuff, like how much I love my job, no really I do. I have this crazy little mini job ( as it's called in Germany) I work 50 days a year and no more ( has to do with taxes and pensions and stuff none of which apply to a mini job) I pick up the slack essentially and do a lit little things which means my job is varied and I learn new things more often than not.

The last few weeks have been about a fairly large project that required some massive logistical organization and a LOT of help from other people. This was fun ( outside of the frustrating bits) and the really nice part was actually getting to work outside my desk WITH other people. And this was cool because the people I get to work with - ALL of them are amazing, fun, clever and willing to go that extra step.

I've never worked in a place like ACER before actually. Most of the jobs I've had, and I've had a lot ( with one or two exceptions) sucked. Either there was too much bitching going on and it was everyone out for themselves or just the actual job sucked, or it was a bit of both.

I'm a trained Animal health technologist. But I haven't worked in that field for years ( thank god) my experience with the Vet business is that it was cut throat and mean. Animal Doctors yell a lot. And the customers / pet owners are not much better. I enjoyed working with lab animals but when I moved to Germany I turned my back on the entire work field and I have not looked back.

So I'm an artist / vet tech and I now work in a computer company as a logistics / warehouse go-to. It is my favourite job ever. Not just because it's part time because I loved working there when I was full time as well. Anyway this past could of weeks saw me do more than 1 day a week for this hefty project and boy it was tiring. I'm not used to being on my feet all day.

Then there's my FB posse, especially K. who nudges me to write more. And as payment for her picking me up a signed bookplate from Timothy Zahn I wrote her a short story, which it appears has spawned what might be a nice series of shorts. Easy to write and fun to do. But none of this is helping me edit the main books.

Evil woman that she is, she started quoting some rather ghastly slash Thrawn/car'das fiction to me. Okay I'm not a huge fan of Slash anyway, aside from the fact that much of what I have read is terribly written, it's also jarring and distracting. A little like reading someone's deepest darkest fantasy and I don't need this in my brain, thanks.I countered the evil by rewriting one of my own erotic short stories. Not sure if it's any better than a slash fiction but it's a pleasant distraction.

Now I also have a calligraphy commission which will be fun and 4 rather hefty backlogs scrolls to do. I also want to make new garb and 501st costumes and suddenly I feel very busy.

But it's been a peculiar summer. The weather has been terrible, I mean seriously the heating is ON. It has rained just about every single weekend and the garden looks like crap.

On top of this I have not had my period since Feb. So...am I now in menopause for real? A lot of the constant endo pains have vanished but they do pop up with some regularity so I assume I am still producing some sort of hormones and going through the motions but I no longer get a period. ( yay) Now it's sweats, night sweats and a bunch of other things ( oh and headaches lot sand lots of headaches) but mostly I'm doing okay. which is nice.

so now we are almost through August.

Time flies when you waste it front of the computer.

slacker

2011-07-27T06:48:00.000+01:00

Okay so yeah , here in this place, I have been slacking out when it comes to blogging. Sorry about that. There is lots to tell, too much actually and right now my brain is in another head space.

I finished my book ( yes I know old news) so now I am editing the three novels to get ready for final pdf formatting etc... it's a HUGE load of work but fun to go back and fix mistakes, edit out the extraneous verbiage and remove dangling plotline threads that went no where. Trust me you won't miss the stuff I'm removing and if you do, well the old versions will still be online in blog format.

It's also busy as all get out here. Eventing, trooping, work, etc.... Seems that life goes a bit mad when one has hobbies that require one to do stuff like make costumes / garb, scrolls, travel and so on. Then there was the family reunion.

so...forgive me for not posting much, I will get back at it soonish ( tm)

Norway

2011-07-25T08:46:00.001+01:00

Light a candle, whisper a prayer

bow your head in respect for the dead

They did not ask for this darkness

we let words of hope

light their unexpected journey

into a better place.

three weeks, three countries +1, past, present and future.

2011-06-28T14:18:00.001+01:00

First we went to Sweden to attend the largest Drachenwald event, the yearly Double wars where we fight over Swedish flat bread. ( holy side or flat side) It was a lot of fun and there's a whole other post about it so you can start there if you have not already done so.

Then we came home.

Traveling and being away from home is hard on me. My endo acts up and my body goes into some sort of bolshie shut down. So with this in mind you all should know I came home sick. 2 days later we flew out to Dublin.

This was my first ever trip to Ireland and I was pretty jazzed. I mean it's Ireland and for a Newfie this is a big deal right? The flights were surprisingly easy. I was all set to fight nazi-like security agents only to be let down by polite fairly nice people just doing their job. No naked scanners, no invasive sexual molestations just dump all the gear in the grey boxes and walk through the metal detector . No sweat.

The flight was easy too.

so far so good.

Taxi to the hotel cheaper than planned and the hotel was nice, great room ( minus the jack hammer construction in the am) and very friendly staff. They had Guinness on tap ( who the hell doesn't tho?) It's freaking Dublin.

We explored, we shopped and most importantly we saw the concert we'd flown over to see and all I can say is if I wasn't a huge Alice Cooper fan before I sure as hell am now. Buddy, what a show. Thin Lizzie...not really anyone I'd pay to see again, I think they are probably a great pub band but their sound was off and the set was boring. Def Leppard also put on a fantastic show but oddly enough it was Alice Cooper who stole my heart.

The days that followed saw us walk A LOT, make the scribe's pilgrimage to Trinity College to see The Book of Kells, eat fab Irish greasy breakfasts, find lunches that involved some sort of food to go along with the Guinness ( okay so I'm kind of exaggerating we ate more than we drank) and poodle about. We saw 2 films ( Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and Kung Fu Panda 2 ) both great and in English (Bonus. )

It was a lovely 5 days, even though it rained. We also had sun too.

The flight home was easy and we sort of collapsed on the couch. Then it was time to prepare for the last leg of our massive holiday, the trip up to lego land in Denmark for our first ever troop with the 501st. ( no fedcon doesn't count at all)

processing.....

2011-06-21T08:41:00.001+01:00

So we're home, and there is so much to tell but now I have to find the words... stay tuned.

and once again...

2011-06-17T14:12:00.000+01:00

off to Denmark to legoland with the 501st. It's our first real troop. It's exciting.

"I have been to another world and come back. Listen to me"

2011-06-12T12:36:00.003+01:00

It has been a busy two + weeks. The last days of may saw me in a packing frenzy cursing and swearing a lot. The cause of all this swearing? Double Wars, Drachenwald's largest and longest event. I did not want to go. No really , I didn't. Our last DW was 7 years ago and it majorly sucked. It was bitterly cold, ( no I don't like to camp in weather where I have to break the ice of everything in the morning - yes I may be Canadian but even we have indoor heating) there was wind, mighty mighty wind, and a bunch of other things which were not good. ( Note to the world at large do not ever volunteer someone else's tent as shared space and guilt them into actually sharing it with people the do not know.) I have since then learned to say NO very firmly. I have also learned that I need my space, MY space. A place that's private to retreat to where I can relax which was what we did not have last time.So with that memory in my head I didn't want to go camping in Sweden for a week but the husband had other ideas.

So after what has been a very long time we tested the tent and the bed ( thanks Leo, Lennart and Corbin) then I started searching the house for all the stray SCA stuff. It took a while to locate everything because since we moved back from Switzerland we haven't used it so it was in its wooden storage boxes all over the place. And let's not talk about our garb which is all easily over 10 years old now. Still it got found, sorted and packed.

Our next problem was the car. The tent, the bed and the boxes were all planned and designed around an Opel Astra, we now have a bmw 3 series. The two are NOT the same size. So we had to rethink our strategy a bit. This meant a roof rack which we had to buy but luckily for us the leasing company rented boxes so for 35- euros for the week we had a roof box into which fit the tent and the bed and solved a LOT of problems. With the car sorted out and packed we headed off on the Sunday with me all the way saying "Can we go home now?" It was raining the entire trip up.

We arrived on site at around sevenish. It was cold, wet and I was anything but happy. I loath camping in the wet. Luckily for me my husband knows this. So he dealt with the tent and we have astonishing friends who also helped put it up. It's a behemoth of a tent so it takes at least 3 strong guys to raise it sort of like raising a barn. Leo also helped with the bed and soon the worst was over. In between all of this I stood, cold wet and miserable. This is where my lovely and amazing apprentice walked up to me with a hot cup of tea. Thanks Gunhild. And she saved the day.

So the tent was up, the bed was strung and I nested as is my way. Once all of this was done people came by to say hi and it was good, well except the part where we had not brought along the under mattress for the stupid rope bed. Uncomfortable doesn't do it justice. We went to bed, tired listening to the sound of rain. It was cold, uncomfortable and I wanted to go home.The next day the sun decided to make an appearance.

The first two days I mostly stayed close to camp. I don't travel well any more. The upset in routine upsets my endo and my guts making things terribly painful all the way around. The having to get up several times a night to pee is bad enough having to deal with this in a tent, in the dark and the cold is not much fun. Still I decided to not let the suck get to me. It was our holiday and more importantly it was Marcus's down time. So I made the choice to try and have fun and when I needed to rest I retreated to the tent and lay on the bed relaxing.

We pitched the tent in a great place, close to the houses ( showers toilets) and in between the Royal encampment and Aventiure. This was nice because we were not actually camping with the shire. We had not planned for shire meals and were pretty self sufficient. We have friends in both encampments but people in both encampments were not friends with each other. It made for some interesting moments as we divided our time between the two.

I found it sad that the shire has changed so much, it's divided and unpleasant these days. There are factions seemingly working against each other out of jealousy and resentment. A couple of people were rude and unpleasant to be around so I avoided them. I didn't really understand the mess or the need to scatter all the mundane crap around the Aventiure tent and it was just gross so I stayed away from it a lot of the time. I must admit I never felt very welcome and I'm not a big fan of bossy people nagging me.

It was a lot more relaxed to hangout down at the Royal encampment. It was nice to sit and relax with people who were enjoying themselves. And the up side was I got to meet new people and get to know more about long time SCA members I never had a chance to before. It was very nice. There were some rough moments and we weathered them. Tears from Ele solved with a voodoo doll, tears from me solved with hugs and Irish whiskey, resentment and anger discussed more openly and in between a lot of laughter.

The days got progressively warmer and I realised that our garb was very outdated and scruffy looking. So I am now on a mission to make better garb. Maybe even a persona at some point. In theory Bridget is an Irish gypsy. Early early persona actually but no one does early Celt here and it was a time of my life where I was with a group of like minded people who all did the same style now that's no longer the case. I don't know who Bridget was but I know who she has become and I guess that is where I am headed. When I get it figured out I'll let you know.

There were highlights- oh so many highlights and I will try to list them here.

- I bought a fighter. ( an auction for the royal travel fund) He rocked the world! Viscount Rok - thank you. You made my day and I will cherish the bone hair needle forever.

- Master Arenwald's Koala bear which vanished. He promised it as part of auction payment but he didn't win the auction so we went to his camp later to visit said creature only to discover much to our sadness it had escaped....dum dum dum... we reported the missing critter to the Crown and all manner of hilarity ensued thereafter.

The amazing Volker and Gunhild with master paul at the kitchen which rocked.

-The 1st court and the calling to vigil of Kathryn. I have never felt more like I belonged or more welcome to the laurel group than I did on this night. I experienced something magical. I experienced a sense of sisterhood and kinship and beauty. I felt like the ugly duckling amidst all these gorgeous and extraordinary women and then suddenly I was one of them in my own way. I know that this was not about me in any way shape or form but in a small way it was because in a small way suddenly I belonged and for the very first time ever understood that we all begin the same way. Full of doubt and worry we really are not good enough. I have had a very hard time of it because I really think that a lot of my being elevated had more to do with politics than craft. My vigil felt more like an election campaign than a vigil. So this one was magical to watch and be a small small part of.

I also got a chance to get to know Mistress Alienore a little better and discovered that this is a woman I could love dearly and maybe get to be friends with. That was a magical moment of sisteryness. I know it sounds all soppy but really it was great. And at the vigil tent the night got even better.

The Koala and the lesser Arnimetsä furry trouser snake. Robert and Master Arenwald. and the laughter that ensued. It's too long to retell here but I swear...one day I will write a song about this.

After this days blended one into the other.

The laurel ceremony was gorgeous. The court was beautiful.

Evenings were spent visiting people and hanging out. I got to meet Duchess Vana and Master Sigmundr which was really awesome. The down point was talking about how I used to love the whole Newfoundland kitchen party bardics we used to have there and then we start an impromptu bardic and I totally forget every single word to every single song I ever knew and my voice no longer works. It was a bit sad but also wonderful to hear so many nice songs and many of them in Swedish. I swear next year I will have relearned some songs, gotten my voice back into some sort of singing shape. And I hope we can do it again.

I did a lot of combat dark side scroll stuff. I love working at the table by the king's tent doing event scrolls on the fly. I had many blanks with me so it was easy to do. The first two I asked not to be watched while doing them, sometimes I don't want an audience for stuff that's going to be given out.

Dark Side Scribe at it again...

One of the BIGGEST highlights was the impromptu telling of the Albion story. While I was scribing it came up that two of the ladies at the camp ( from Iceland) had never heard Albion. I had a copy with me and asked King Vitus if he would honour us with a reading since he was abed with an injury. He did and it was magical. I was sitting just outside the tent listening and working on a scroll but I had to stop because as usual the story made me cry.

the king in his chamber.

This story is not about Gustav the selfish prince but about Albion who gave everything in spite of the prince's selfishness. It was wonderful to sit in the shade and warmth listening to the story being told and the magic of that moment will stay with me for a very long time.

We had feast on Thursday and it was scrumptious. Probably the best food I had all week.

It's hard not to enjoy the time when one has such great friends as these.

The enjoyable and fun evening of fire and friendship with some of the best people it is my pleasure to know.

Then there was market day and the Knäckebröd war at the Hovdala Slot.

Great Court was held on Friday night and it was really something to see. Cecilia and I sat giggling and doing the paparazzi thing with our cameras, I'm sure we annoyed some, but pictures are vital so I didn't care. I don't use flash .She made this event so much fun as well. I was thrilled to get to spend so much time with her, and many other women I don't get to see all that often. When I am with Cecilia I laugh- a lot.

Leo the awesome.

Egil's astonishingly fantastic Elderberry liqueur. OH MY GOD I want some more of that , no I want LOTS more of that seriously.

great court

Saturday with much help we tore down the camp and headed home because on Tuesday we flew out to Dublin to see a rock concert ( another blog post) I got to meet still more people I had only known the names of, got some scroll information sorted out and question s that needed to be asked of the current signet. And said goodbyes to all the beloved people we met. This was our first double wars in seven years and despite my personal health issues which were annoying more than anything else it was a pretty amazing event. I know I've left stuff out and I could fill ten pages with the things that happened to make it wonderful but this is just a few. Our trip home was uneventful, sunny and the roads were surprisingly clear.

So thank you to everyone.

at the end of the galaxy

2011-05-28T09:00:00.000+01:00

too lazy to retype so this is a C/P from my lj.

So after X amount of years I finally write the words that most people have been holding their breath over. It was hard. It is hard. I struggled with this chapter for a very very very long time. I don't know that I have fretted so hard over any other chapter the way I did this one. Now I wade through aftermath and grief. And oddly enough I find myself also grieving.

It's hard to write emotional stuff without getting emotionally invested in it as well. The sense of loss is remarkable.

It's probably a goodly part of why I don't want to go camping for a week, I want to finish the book, out over and done. I really need to write the words "The End" and walk away from it but I'm not quite there yet.

Need to tie up the loose ends and leave everyone in a place where they can move onwards with no cliffhangers ( I hate cliff hangers , don't you?)

So instead of sitting in front of the computer as I have been for the last few weeks now, fretting and wrestling with words, reading, re-reading and rere-reading the same page over and over just to GET IT RIGHT I will head off to Sweden , throw on some medieval-ish clothing and step backwards in time. But my head is full of words so I will be doing the old fashioned thing and have a paper notebook with a pen at the ready.

And I will be taking this strange sorrow with me and it will probably make me seem pensive and peevish and I wouldn't even know how to begin to explain that I am grieving with a fictional character for the loss of another fictional character. When I started this journey I knew how it would end, I just didn't get how it would make me feel.

So in case anyone wondered, this was a hard chapter to write and the rest that follows isn't any easier.

just sayin'.
hankies nearby might be a good thing.

and mass panic ensues...

2011-05-27T06:52:00.000+01:00

Time to deal with the tent from hell.

Deciding that we needed to be more "period" with our camping we made this thing. At the time we didn't have a lot of money so we used the materials we had on hand or could get for a decent price. The canvas duck ( tks Terafan) was sewn on my Pfaff 360 at home ( I swear to go never again) and the metal hold it all together bits were done by Skarf ( they are iron so tehy are heavy).

This pavillion takes at least 3 people to raise because the middle pole and the hub are so frigging heavy. If this should ever fall on anyone, I'm pretty sure it will kill them.

anyway, the hell that is packing for double wars will commence today and it's making me bitchy so the leave Bridget alone until at least 2 hours after we arrive on site will be in effect. And in difference to that disasterous Nibelungen there had better bloody be tent space for us.

The mad world at large.

2011-05-17T11:38:00.000+01:00

It's a wild and windy day. Green and dancing against dark and scuttling. It's a royally gorgeous dance and I never tire of being able to watch it from the computer room window. We've desperately needed the rain so these past two stormy days have been a welcome gift. The garden has exploded into greens and blues, yellows and reds with a lot more to come when we plant the new plants we bought in the ground. The lighting today is stunning. My head feels as though the storms outside have gotten inside of it and are whirling around my brains.

The wash of emotions that have returned in the absence of the hormone treatments that I no longer take are overwhelming. It's awesome , terrifying, and utterly wonderful. I feel as though I am whole again. It is however tiring.

My life is an adventure. Every day brings its own surprises and the ups and downs of dealing with a non life threatening, incurable disease that plays havoc with my being.

So now I am winding up my DOTE books, still working on everything, short stories and some fun Thrawn related projects. I too am having some problems letting go of all of this. I love these characters, I've lived with them for a really long time, how do you say goodbye to that easily? Thrawn is a dream to write, I hear his voice in my head clear, crisp, a little too correct yet with a hint of wildness, a hit of alieness. Merly dances through my brain like a second me. Yet we, as people, are very different. There are things about her I wish I could be and there are things she is that I am glad I am not. The rest of the crazy cast of characters are all in their own ways are beloved. Like any book where I fell deeply in love with the world, the characters, and all they had to give me it's hard to let go. But the nice thing about the world of words is that we can go back into them and we can re-dance with our beloved other worlds and all their inhabitants and occasionally we even uncover some previously undiscovered secret they had to offer.

I love writing. I may not be a professional or even paying-book published but I love the craft with a passion and as much as I am an artist in many other areas of the arts, words will always be my first love, perhaps because I learned to read later as a child than most and had difficulties. But my parents read to us as kids, my mother shared poetry and my dad, stories like the jungle book, I was weaned on words.

My journey with Merlyn and Thrawn has produced an intriguing side effect and that is the love of editing. How to make it better. How to slice it all up and tear it all down so that it's more powerful and easier to access. Unclutter it. Something I wish I could as easily in the real world with my stuff as I can with words. I don't know if I am any good at this but I really enjoy the process and since I do it for me alone it doesn't matter about good, or approval from anyone else does it?

So here I am. On the edge. Feeling dangerous and full of wild wild energy. I know it's the adrenaline going from an over active hormone system just waking up form a really long nap but it's fabulous. I'm exhausted, and a tad frantic, and I am not eating properly but right in this singular moment I don't care because right now in this singular moment I feel like that storm outside and it's a wild ride. Ask me again later on when I crash on the couch.

ps. I don't tend to edit this blog since it's my brain talking to the keyboard and I kind of like that sometimes it's also a bit wild.

slacker

2011-05-14T16:07:00.000+01:00

I worked from wed- friday this week so I didn't sit at the computer at home much.

Just for fun.

Happy Birthday to The Boy!

2011-05-10T07:09:00.000+01:00

Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband!

Fedcon: part the third

2011-05-08T13:13:00.001+01:00

Saturday was star wars day all day pretty much. We dressed in our crew costumes and went to hang out , be a part of the parade and photo shoot and generally get to know people. Since we had paid for tickets we weren't on any work plan so we spent a great deal of time getting to know new people, hanging out with Maya and watching the trekkies beat the world record.

Best thing the husband over heard was someone saying that the 30 odd Star Wars guys who went on parade looked way better than the 600 odd trekkies who milled about aimlessly. This is because the 501st has standards. There were some amazing trek outfits though and the one that comes to mind first is the Jem Hadar and his Vorta.

The late afternoon saw us in some panels and watching some of the sea shepherd auction. It was pretty relaxed and at some point we went out to the car ( parked nearby) and changed into civvies. So that we'd be comfy for the costume show and party afterwards.

Kudos to all the people who participated in the costume show thing but I have to say that last year was better. Unfortunately it seems as though the show can't decide what it wants to be, a costume contest or a talent show and really there isn't enough time for both in one go so it ended up being a weird mix which I found odd. There were a couple of amazing entries and the funniest award of the evening goes to the two klingons who stole the whole show.

It takes a lot of guts to get up on stage and do stuff. I know I've done this many times. But I do wish there had been more emphasis on costumes and descriptions of costumes rather than long skits that didn't really have a purpose. I've seen some amazing costume contests in my time and this wasn't one of them.

After the costume thingy and the band that played we escaped to go and sit up at the bar where we spent most of the time socializing, making fun of the DJ who looked like he had walked out of grade school and the bad music. ( he had 1 billy Idol song on his list 1) and at around 12:30 Marcus decided he was tired and we went back to the hotel. It was a nice time. We met the Brians and a Dave from the UK , Joseph and Sonja and a bunch of others whose names I don't remember. It felt good tho, like we'd found a niche and made new friends.

Sunday we packed up our stuff, packed the car and went to the con for the last panels and the good bye round. We left around 2:30 om and we managed to get home at a reasonable time. Con-blues set in and so we sat down and spent the evening watching last year's fedcon video.

All in all this year was a lot of fun, though I found the hotel room prices for double rooms to be incredibly expensive and please don't tell me this is normal in Germany it isn't we've booked at this hotel before and a double room with breakfast still came in under 180 a night not over 200-. Plus there's the Maritim breakfast at 26, euro a day come on, seriously I don't eat 26, euros worth of breakfast ion a week let alone a day. I don't like price gauging much so we stayed "off campus" and it worked out okay. 10 minutes to the con by bus, easy access to banks etc... and a decent breakfast to boot ( damned great coffee).

We ended up spending very little money this year at the convention, the dealers were not so fantastic and, they too, were over priced. A sonic screwdriver with real screwdriver feature for 60, euros , the same thing I can buy on amazon.co.uk for 7 pounds... We did buy a few things ( stargate combat vest thing, couple of nice books and a hallmark Christmas ornament ( shuttle) but it was limited mainly because the selection was limited. I hope next year the dealer room is better with more selection and less over priced t.-shirts.

I don't like the layout for this convention at this hotel, it's awkward and scattered. There's not enough seats at the bar area and the bar itself is too damned small. Ever see several hundred people trying to dance on a space the size of a bathroom? The Bonn hotel's bar was way better suited for a party. The DJ was terrible and his music needed work. The pre mixed drinks were nice and the wait staff were pretty damned cool ( thanks for all your hard work)

Over all we had a lot of fun but mainly because the panel guests were amazing, Garrett Wang was really fun and the friends we have are just awesome. Next year i don't know what we will do. I guess we will wait and see.

Fedcon XX part deux

2011-05-03T11:34:00.001+01:00

Fedcon XX

Day 0: Wednesday.

So all packed and ready to go we drove to Düsseldorf. The traffic was CRAP and people were idiots on the road. This is not usually the case but there are exceptions to everything. We get to our hotel which is in a small village outside of Düsseldorf and check it. My first reaction was well it's not quite as nice as it's pictured on the webpage. The room was a kind of dingy and the bathroom smelled. It was clean-ish but I've seen better. Still it was only 75- euro a night with breakfast included and when compared to the 220- euro a night we would have paid for a room at the Maritim one can't complain too much.

I nested and Marcus brought luggage up. By his 3rd journey the woman at the front desk thought we were moving in. We got settled and then decided to head to the con hotel to get our passes and stuff since there as early registration open till 21:30 according to the info page on the forum.

We walked from our hotel to the Maritim and it took us half an hour give or take so by the time we got to the registration desk we were kinda hot, a bit foot sore and tired. It was a long drive and a longer walk than we expected. So you can imagine how we felt at 20:00 hrs being told oh sorry we closed the ticket pick up. Grrrrrrr

We ended up going to the info/help desk and the guy who Marcus talked to was also very surprised they had closed the ticket pick up desk and seeing our faces and the fact that we had come especially to pick up the tickets stuff, he rescued us there is no other word for it.

My Hero on Wednesday!

After this we decided to find food, and learn how the train system worked which ended up with walking all over the airport and then taking the S-bahn into the city late , not finding food and being cranky by the time we'd gotten a little lost and sorted out how things worked. It was 11pm by the time we made it back to the hotel room and we still hadn't eaten. Needless to say the 1st day in Düsseldorf was not a good one. I was tired, cranky, not feeling so hot, hungry and over all kind of annoyed.

We set up the notebook and watched an episode of Castle. Castle makes everything better then went to sleep.

FedconXX Day 1: Thursday

Woke up at 6 am to this:

At breakfast we saw other fellow con goers. We are a breed apart and you can spot us instantly because we're the ones wearing geeky t-shirts with something sci-fi related on them. The hotel breakfast was minimal but okay the hotel coffee was surprisingly excellent.

Thursday saw us rested and awake. There wasn't lots going on at the Convention so Marcus took me shopping. We explored Düsseldorf which, it turns out, is a lovely city with a lot to see. We mainly toured the main shopping center area and I found a pair of shoes ( yeah laugh) that I had been wanting for ages. Skechers- shape ups mary janes in black. the shop had 1 pair, in my size and we got money off due to a clever sales pitch from the cashier.

We ate a very nice Indian lunch from the food court in the Schadow Arkaden ( I swear I am using this as a character name in a book) and poodled a whole lot. Eventually though Marcus use dup all of his shopping XP and it was time to head back to the hotel then explore the bus system from there to the airport. the 760 stopped at the street perpendicular to the hotel and it took aprox 10 minutes to get to the Maritim. bonus points for this.

Thursday the con area was relatively quiet. We were in mundane dress or civies as the 501st guys call it, so we poodled the dealer's but I had the feeling there wasn't as many this year as last and they were kind of spread out all over the place. One stand was selling great t-shirts but at 26,95 a t-shirt I'm afraid that's beyond my budget. We looked but didn't buy.

We went to see Garrett Wang who was really great to listen to and fun to watch, and sat through part of some of the fan films which were also very enjoyable. The opening ceremonies was hilarious due to the whole flag muddle up ( Austria???) and I have to admit that Garrett handled the hurdles presented to him with grace and humour. He is an excellent host / mc. I laughed so hard I cried and that doesn't happen with me all that often. While my bitch bone is huge my funny bone isn't.

After that we sat through Lance Henriksen's panel. He was jet lagged and low key. It was really intriguing to hear him speak and learn a little more about him as a person. He's an actor I've loved since I saw him in Near dark. After that we left ( sorry WW) we were just so tired and still autobahn lagged I think.

FedconXX day 2: Friday

The first really BIG day of full convention going with most of it being for the autograph sessions so since we could care less about autographs we went back into Düsseldorf and explored the Altstadt. It was gorgeous and sunny and warm and we had a very nice time. I however developed headache form hell so we went back to the hotel and rested before getting togged out in Stargate costumes and off we went. We met up with some friends and spent a lot of time chatting, then off on our own again we meandered down the corridor to get waylaid by the German Stargate club and drafted to be in the group going on stage to pay tribute to Richard Dean Anderson who had a panel. ( for the record I didn't want to get dresed up but Marcus insisted...)

The way it ended up happening I and the girl next to me were front and center stage so RDA ended up standing between us and slung his arms around us for the big photo ops. It was an unexpected fun and cool thing. One of those magic moments that occur when you wear a costume and are in the right place at the right time.

You can see Marcus and me here, we're actually looking at each other as if to say wow. So thanks to those who organized this, it was a highlight for us. We're pretty big stargate fans and I like Richard Dean Anderson, I think he's quite funny and very cool. And thanks to John for giving me his old BDU's. Dude bet you had no idea this would happen to them did you?

End of Part 1.

fedcon XX

2011-05-02T15:25:00.000+01:00

So much to tell so you'll have to forgive me It will take a day to sort it all out.


Con highlight. (photo by KT )This needs no explanation does it? KT's pictures

and it's off we go

2011-04-26T22:40:00.000+01:00

we're headed to fedcon, be back on Sunday. Try not to blow the universe up while we're away yeah?

THE END

2011-04-26T10:10:00.000+01:00

done. ( mostly) now to save the files in a billion places so they don't get lost, corrupted or destroyed. I feel very satisfied although really there's an epilogue to write, still the main story is all done and the words are out and on paper.

Now I can get ready for Fedcon without this niggling me the whole time.

More on this later, because there's way more to say but seriously now I think i need a bath and a tylenol.
Is it bad that I make myself cry with my own writing?

argh.

on writing, critics and being a delicate artist

2011-04-25T08:45:00.006+01:00

When I was 13 I wrote a book. It wasn't a particularly long book but it had a beginning , a middle, and an end. It was utterly ripped off from all the fantasy books I was reading at the time ( Tolkien, Lloyd Alexander and especially Susan Cooper) and it had some serious plot flaws because what does a 13 year old know of the world? Still it was a book, with illustrations in pencil . I was pretty proud of it and showed it to my dad who read it and then wrote me a book of a critique in letter form as was generally my dad's way. He was very honest and I didn't take it very well at the time. Because I was 13 and I had written a book. I hadn't wanted a step by step analysis of what was wrong with it I wanted a gorram pat on the back. I tell you this so that you all understand, critiques in my art world started off early.

However, as upset as I remember being, I was also drawn in. What he had done was a huge labour of love, just as my book had been and it taught me so much more than a pat on the back ever would. Once I had recovered from my pain of being critiqued I re read his words and he had been right. I never touched the story again but I learned from it and from him.

At 13 I suddenly learned that just writing a book isn't good enough, it also has to work, make sense and be right. Gotta tell you this was a hard lesson to learn.

All the way through high school I wrote stories but apart from a nibble here and there I didn't get much interest from other people. I had two amazing English teachers who encouraged but the way things went I ended up having to concentrate on other parts of my school life and because of some class switching that had to happen so I could get a math teacher who understood me I ended up with a not so great English teacher and my stories stayed hidden in the closet, so to speak. I don't ever recall being told I was a good writer with promise so I never really thought much about being a writer, besides...as I was often told being an artist of any sort was not a good way to make a living ,better put those aspirations aside and get a real job.

I did write a couple more little books and one I entered into an under 18 competition. It came top 30 out of 500 or so, I can't recall the exact numbers any more but I got a nice letter after their 2nd re read which made me feel very vindicated for the late nights hammering away at the typewriter. ( and I can't type)

I wrote all the way through my 1st stint in university, small stories fueled by daily events and unrequited love and a very Canadian pop / rock musician. I also drew and illustrated and generally lived inside my brain because I loathed university so much I couldn't wait to get through it. Somewhere along the way I let the artist in me die.

I ended up re finding it again through the art of verbal storytelling. I would tell folk tales and my own creations at SCA events and sometimes I think people even enjoyed them. I LOVE the art of storytelling it's massive. We've lost that camp fire story telling magic somehow in this modern day so it was a gift to have this pocket in time, to re. discover words. Words and I have had a long relationship, I won a poetry competition in primary school and since I was a late reader this is pretty cool. I love words, I love their taste, their feel, their magic. I love words in other languages too. I should have studied linguistics but that's an alternate universe life and I hope that me is happy with it.

But we weren't talking about words we were discussing critics.

The giving and taking of criticism is, in itself, an art form. Good criticism informs and constructs rather than derides and tears apart, tearing a part someone's work no matter what isn't very helpful. It's my opinion that even the very worst art, writing, music has something to offer, even if it is a jumping platform of what not to do. Just saying "this sucks" isn't useful it's hurtful. And I sometimes wonder if the "this sucks" style of critiques is not more about personal power bolstering rather than trying to help someone better themselves.

At the art college I went to critiques and being a critic was par for the course, not only from my teachers but also my peers. You put your work up there and it's hard. Especially for fledgling artists who are madly in love with their creations. You think you've created this wonderful imaginative unique work of beauty only to discover that's not the case. It's a fantastic lesson to be taught though, to be on both ends of the critic bench. How you give and receive criticism is incredibly important and will often dictate how people move forward or not. Artists have delicate egos and developing a thick skin is not so easy. We put our souls out there for the world to see and hope someone likes it or gets it or is inspired by it.

I'm pretty tough skinned when it comes to my writing, might not seem that way but trust me I am. I learned young. Not quite so tough skinned about my actual art but that's my insecure spot. So when I was in charge of scribes in the SCA in this kingdom and I would get new people presenting me with what amounted to not very good art work, I did my damnedest to make sure I didn't "that sucks" but rather "It's a start now here's where it can be better." I have no idea if the people I had to critic ( because the kingdom has a standard or at least when I was signet I wanted it to have a standard) walked away feeling and or if they could look at my words and think yeah she's right I see the mistakes now. Critics don't tend to get much feed back on their work.

One of the THE most important things I learned from my dad's letter about my 1st little book was words have to make sense. This also applies to criticisms. So if you critique a work and you want the person on the end of your sharp stick to take your critiques seriously and not just get hurt or pissed off, then you have to make sense.

You didn't like the piece ( written visual or otherwsie) then explain why not. Just saying "I didn't like" it is not a criticism it's an opinion and just like orifices, we all have them. What didn't you like and why not? Ask yourself these questions when you dislike a work before you write anything. You'll be surprised at what answers you get and so, maybe, will the artist, author, musician.

There is a massive difference in how things are perceived based on how they are worded. Negatives will be negative and positives are just that positive. "I don't like this chapter because it's boring." negative. "I would have enjoyed this chapter more if there had been more action and less use of the word "like" " far more positive.

You get the idea.

It's always a good idea to ask first as well, unless this is the professional world then somehow it seems to be expected that stuff gets critiqued, but on a smaller more private scale especially if no money is being made and stuff is just up there. If the creator doesn't ask outright for critiques then before you shoot off and tell them and the world what's wrong with everything they've done, you might want to ask first if they want you to do this. Not everyone welcomes some random stranger telling them step by step where all the perceived flaws are. I have a great deal more respect for critics who at least introduce themselves, or ask me first if I want their opinion than when someone just randomly writes negative comments on stuff I've done without context first. I'm also more likely to take the critic and the critique more seriously when they have some respect for me first.

A really good critique is really useful. Clear and concise explanations of why something doesn't appeal, work, feel right can go a very long way to bettering the work or the follow up. I know this from a very good critique I had for one of my scrolls in this kingdom. There were flaws I didn't see and when they were pointed out it was like a light going on. Thank you Caitlin. It made me a better scribe and it was done in a way I understood without making me feel like crap.

While it can be hard to have your beautiful creation smooshed to bits it can also be very insightful for personal artistic growth. I don't mind people telling me what's wrong with something I do as long as they explain why. It has to make sense, it should be useful and constructive and you should walk away from it not feeling as though your soul has been slashed but that you now have a whole lot more to think about. Good critics expand the world of art in all its forms because they strive to better the artists/writers/musicians/ cooks etc... not because it makes them feel good to tear an artist to shreds.

one week to go...

2011-04-22T09:20:00.000+01:00

Next week is Fed-con. Yippieeee. This year due to outrageous con-hotel prices (above 200 euro for a standard double room per night) we are staying off campus so to speak which means less costumes. This is okay by me. Last year we went with the full costume baggage and some rather large expectations which were thoroughly dashed. ( little note to costume club members when welcoming new members it's not a good idea to make a face of disgust at their costume choices.)

I get that Imperial Crew may seem like a paltry costume when compared to a stormtrooper outfit but I spent nearly six months working on those costumes so sneering at it in front of me is not conducive to making me feel at all welcome. Your action made me so sad and after that I wanted NOTHING more to do with you. The end result was that my poor husband didn't get his officer outfit because all my enthusiasm to anything star wars related was gone.

Not, to my mind, the best way to encourage new members to join in the fun but maybe you didn't want new members so I guess if that was the case you won. We plan to keep up our one event a year to stay active but I don't expect we'll do much more. I think that you really need to revise how you treat new members but that's just my opinion.

So this year we will do less running around in costume trying get to know people who obviously didn't want to get to know us and a whole lot more time enjoying ourselves. I foresee the Stargate costumes getting A LOT of use. Easy to walk around in, comfy and they have LOTS of pockets.

This year for a variety of reasons, primarily health and state of mind related I didn't get my ass in gear to make new costumes. Which is okay since we just plan on doing a lot of sitting in on panels and checking out the dealers rooms. Next con I plan a doctor Who costume and maybe the officer's stuff and if I can figure it out I want to do a sith witch, no not a night sister a sith witch oh and star trek stuff. Now that I am off the hormone therapy I feel a lot more like my old self again and suddenly find myself bursting with ideas and enthusiasm.

We will take lots of pictures, meet up with friends and generally I hope have a great time.

the last dance

2011-04-20T12:08:00.000+01:00

argh.
I can't settle till I've finished this thing and I can't finish it because it's so unsettling.

what comes next?

2011-04-18T08:06:00.002+01:00

He looked more like the son of Death than a freelance systems hacker as he strode through the flames that would have taken my life greedily had he not plucked me out of the hell I had backed myself into. I had lived all my young life as an Edge-Town brat and I had seen many things but the inside of a torched building first hand was not among my previous experiences. To say that I was paralyzed by fear would be a more than accurate statement.

I had fled the flames, running clueless into the old Foyer of the place I had called home and huddled, terrified out of my wits, screaming, in a corner. When the fire had finally found me I was half dead from the greasy smoke and beyond fear. As he lifted me up into his arms with the grace and ease of a dancer I thought he was the Devil come to take my soul. Everyone knew there was no such thing as God in Edgetown.

Why Crow chose to save my life was, at the time, a mystery. It was a common fact that Edgetown brats were as rare as garbage and equally as useful. With one arm wrapped about me tightly, he steered his jumped up, night black motorcycle through the chaos that always inhabited the city after dark and took me to his home, The Maze.

some arty stuff

2011-04-13T07:52:00.001+01:00

So now that it's been awarded and shown to the populace who were at the event I think it's okay to post it here. I am happy with this piece mostly, even though it fought me tooth and frigging nail. I'm not that good at acanthus leaves something about the twisty turny shading really borks with my mind. For a long while I didn't think it would look good at all but I plowed through to finish it anyway and in the end I think it turned out okay.

I forget sometimes...

2011-04-10T08:09:00.001+01:00

We went to a small fighter practice oriented event yesterday, NFFP. And we had fun, seriously it was great. I forget, frequently, how much I enjoy the company of other people and the SCA as a whole, minus the bitchy back stabbing crabby assed politics.

My "make believe" button has been broken for a really long time. I held a kingdom office and that really did a number on my ability to "live the dream" a phrase which I loath, by the way. It has been my experience that for a great many folks the SCA is a launching platform for personal power drives and meanness and I forget it's not always like this.

So yesterday we dragged out reluctant asses to NFFP and surprise surprise we actually had fun. Of course getting to hang with the guys from Nordmark is ALWAYS fun and having a conversation about Vikings and history and the what ifs with the prince of Nordmark was a pretty nice way to enjoy a meal.

One of the people there asked me how long had I been in the SCA and my answer was more than half my life. I joined when I was around 19 and I'm 45 now so do the math. Drachenwald is my 3rd kingdom.

In my SCA life I have been busy. I have helped two shires start and get off the ground and both are still around though one is significantly more active than the other. I've done tons of stuff, cooked for large feasts, helped organise events, entertained kings and queens with my songs and stories, created more scrolls than I can count, learned skills I never knew were possible, endured some hardships and heartaches that served, in the end , to make me stronger- and I learned to either forgive, forget or walk away.

And believe me I've also had and done my fair share of fuck-us and stupid things. And I am pretty sure I also have a very large group of bridget-is-a-bitch peeps out there too. But I don't care. Since I can't control what others think or do I gave up on trying to please the world a long time ago.

The SCA is where I have met the majority of my friends and had some of the best laughs in my life. In short it's family.

So now we are booked to head up to Double Wars god help us. And suddenly I find myself with far too much to do and not nearly enough time.

daughter of the empire

2011-04-06T09:54:00.001+01:00

wow, it's done. I found the bridge I needed to get from the last chapter to the end and now, in my head and ideas note book, it's done. I just have to write it down properly.

Good grief....

Passion

2011-04-03T13:06:00.006+01:00


Jan Duursema: Dark Horse comics

Okay so I have been a slack ass here, sorry but there's only so many places I can write at once and I have been writing my book. It's exciting because I finally after being doped up on hormone nonexistence feel as though my brain has come back to life ( okay not such a good thing given all the other crap that comes with that but still...)

I'm writing, I have the lines of plots running through my brain. I have love scenes and kick ass fight scenes and dialogue that won't go away, and it's awesome to be back.

The above picture, if you are curious, is my all time favourite kiss scene ever. It screams passion and it inspires me. It is my desktop which I keep to remind me that what kept the whole Merly and Thrawn story going is passion.

I know that those of you who *know* are very curious about how it's all going to end...well I hope you will not be unhappy with my solutions and I also hope that you will all be pleasantly surprised.

I'm also happy to see that Ged has fans. He's a pretty cool guy. ( yes he really exists after a fashion.)

costumes...

2011-04-01T08:23:00.001+01:00

This was my generic Tatooine Merlyn costume. I had a lot of fun designing it and making it. ( No one gets it at conventions but that's cool)

working out the kinks.

2011-03-27T08:49:00.000+01:00

It's the home stretch as far as the book goes. I want to be done, it's time and so I have been madly typing and wracking my brain to get through the blocks and the hurdles and just do it.

It's been an amazing learning experience, writing three consecutive books in a series that walks through what is essentially the universe of a thousand other people. Trying to weave a story that spans nearly 20 years through the stories of a lot of other people in an established time line is not as easy as it sounds.

It started because I couldn't find the Star Wars story I wanted to read. Stories that saw the universe from the Empire's point of view. The closest that came to that at the time was Timothy Zahn's "Heir to the Empire" series. And I fell in love with his main character as so many others did. What was not to love?

It took a while for this incarnation of Daughter of the Empire to get out into the world and as I re read the 1st book I see a lot of stuff that needs fixing. But all in all it's a story I LIKE. That's cool, right?

Now I am at the end trying to wrap it all up in a way that I would like to read as well as the people who have stuck it out with me ( thanks everyone). And then who knows what happens after this, I have other stories in my head and I like the whole share them on a blog thing.

it's all about the art, right?

2011-03-25T07:57:00.000+01:00

In light of all the personal posts recently I thought I would put up some art. This is an old piece that was given to a friend. It's called computer bugs ( ha ha) and it small about 5"x7", acrylic paint, an eprom chip and some other chip, copper wire and shredded Deutsche Marks.

Like most of the work from the whole "Re-cycled" series it's a play on words within the computer jargon world. I always think these little chips that go or rather went on mother boards looked like centipedes and being able to glue shredded money on the canvas was just too much fun to not do.

Another piece from this particular run of paintings was this one. It's called "Ethereal mail." and I am pretty sure you all get that joke. ( e-mail shaped like a letter????) I still have this because I really loved it. I have a tendency to keep my own art which is not so good for selling it but who cares. For me, it's not about the money anyway and it never was. Would I like to be able to make money off my art? Sure but it's not my ultimate goal. I make art period. And that's that.

after...

2011-03-24T08:42:00.000+01:00

I live in the now, the right now. I don't tend to dwell in the past although I will dog-with-a-bone certain events and never let them go, but for the most part past is past. I tend to forget things that happened a lot. The same applies to the future. It hasn't happened yet so I don't freak out about it. There are a number of "what ifs" on my worry about list but generally I don't tend to consider the future much. So what matters is the now, the right now, this moment.

This, of course, does cause some issues. For example when I feel ill it's ALWAYS the worst ever. I tend to forget that six weeks ago I had the same thing and it was also THE WORST EVER. Good that my long suffering husband gets this and knows what to say make to make it alright.

So here I am the day after the dreaded colonoscopy. I have to say the very worst thing about it was my imagination, seriously. Next time I hope I won't be such a babbling idiot who cannot string 2 sentences together. ( If there is a next time)

I'm in limbo this morning, the morning after, I'm tired and a bit down which might be a side effect from all the drugs, I tend to get really down after any "surgical" stuff though I couldn't tell you why. I'm gassy and crampy and it hurts but I'll live. I keep going over in my mind how stupid I must have sounded at the doc's when he was asking me questions. But I need to cut myself some slack : I was seriously scared, I hadn't eaten anything in 36 hrs, and trying to do all this in German is difficult when I get wound up...words Fiona remember your words. Easier said than done. I can can speak the medical speak in English but I forget the German words for things, in fact under pressure I tend to lose the German completely. I struggle to be coherent at all. Did I mention that I had a pulse of 120 when my normal resting pulse is 75. I don't think so well on no food, bad sleep and terror. LOL.

And by now you're all wondering what the lizard has to do with any of this...

When we lived in Switzerland lizards ruled the garden. I miss the little guys a lot. I posted the picture because it was one of the few really good things about living in Ticine which is a place that damaged me. I had never lived anywhere before that did such a bad number on my psyche. Doctors who treated me like I was a hysterical, stupid housewife. No local friends, utter isolation and the sensation of never belonging as well as a language I could not seem to learn. All of these things changed me from a person who jumped off cliffs into the unknown to a person who hid all the time.

Now after 2 years of being back in Germany i am slowly finding myself again. Yesterday saw me revert to that person I had become in Ticine. I didn't like it much and now I am angry at myself for not being less scared and more coherent. I should be stronger than that, once upon a time I was.I don't know if I can ever reclaim everything that was lost but I'm working on it.

updatey

2011-03-23T17:49:00.000+01:00

so the doc was fantastic, super kind and very gentle. I was a mess tho couldn't really string 4 words together and shook like a nervous puppy. I went out like a light and woke up dopey. Results , the prep was really good, colon was nice and clean , no poyps, no diverticulitis everything looked A-Ok. So this means all the abdominal pain is endo/adhesion related and that will probably require surgery. That I can handle.

Now I am tired and really dopey but in a good way. Some lingering cramps and a bit of gas, but some rolls and tea made the hunger go away.

So if I ever have to go through all that again I won't be so worried. I hope I don't have to do it again though for a REALLY REALLY long time.

C-day has arrived.

2011-03-23T11:08:00.001+01:00

Day 0: Last of the bowel prep done. Harder to do than yesterday mainly because at 7 am I don't like to eat anything let alone drink a litre of stuff that tastes a bit like overly sweetened salty grapefruit juice with a hint of artificial lemon. Ugh. Even the do it your self enema was not so difficult. Not sure if I got it right and to be honest I don't really give a .... . Let's put it ths way liquid went in ... liquid came out. Which incidentally is the same procedure as the prep. I guess on the whole my guts weren't quite as clogged up as I had imagined them to be. And all in all the entire procedure was not as bad as I had thought. The worst part really was my overly active imagination ad the first few glasses of the Moviprep mixture which sits for about 20 minutes in the stomach like a bowling ball. I felt suddenly very full very fast and then whooosh suddenly I wasn't feeling full any more. So it was doing what it was supposed to do.

We leave the house in 40 minutes to head out to the clinic in Lübeck. After that who knows and since I hope to be asleep for the actual procedure it's all a mystery from there on in.

I'm nervous but not nearly as wound up as I was a week ago. Though I am willing to bet at the clinic if they read my BP my heart rate will be through the roof, I am well known for that. I have a normal resting heart rate of around 75 at the doc's it usually shoots up to well over 100. You can tell I feel safe, secure and happy visiting any doctor on this planet, even the ones I like and trust. None of this so far was as terrible as I had imagined it to be. There were no massively painful cramps, I didn't vomit and actual time spent sitting on the pot was less than 2 hours. Right now I'm a bit shaky but that's more from lack of food and nerves than anything else.

One of the more surprising side effects form this though is I stink. My whole body is letting of the slightly rotten fermented fruit smell. Weird right? Probably the aspartame and the whole "cleanse" thing. Get rid of the toxins... uh huh. What ever it is I hope it goes away sooner rather than later it's unpleasant for me to be around me. Oh and I'm all bloated. It's ikky but nothing I don't deal with on a regular basis. Oh and the very sweet saliva that my body suddenly produces which tastes a lot like the aftertaste one gets from drinking diet pop ( which i don't do because I hate the aftertaste). Still all in all not the end of the world explosive disaster I was half expecting.

So here I am getting ready to bug out and get probed. Yes I grin as I write this. The whole thing has a somewhat funny slant to it and I guess it's good I see the humour. I'll see even more afterwards if I get the all clear. So keep your fingers crossed.

Oh and borborygmus, I has that in spades...there's a symphony going on in my guts today.

Cheers

written in the virtual stone

2011-03-22T10:53:00.000+01:00

I have a friend who writes poetry almost every day and he posts his poems for all to read. You can go here to take a look... poetry by Ted. His poetry is touching, funny and often very thought provoking. There are times when his words have made me cry or laugh. To my mind this is a sign of a good writer. His words makes me feel something, anything. It's a brave thing to do all things considered. I know this because I write books and I post them online for everyone to read and it is a brave thing to do too.

Today, as I prepare myself for the colon cleanse and tomorrow's colonoscopy I revisit my own books. I started writing the Daughter of the Empire series a LONG time ago, sometime in the mid to late 1990's to be exact. It was an idea fleshed out by the Imperial Order, an online star wars game club, and developed for my online persona.There were a lot of false starts as I tried to find my voice and it didn't really go much beyond the 1st chapter and an idea.

Then we moved to Switzerland and I suddenly had a lot of time. It began with the concept of blogging, fairly new at the time, and got off to a small start. I didn't share the link and I rewrote several times. Eventually I got past that awful hump I kept getting stuck at and busted through. After that I made the link public. And much to my shock and delight, people read it and some even liked it. The first book was started in 2006.

Now I am re reading book1 and I see the mistakes, the grammar faux pas and so on. I see what I need to fix. One of the things that I learned form doing this online publishing and writing as I go is editing. And I really like to edit. Whether or not I am any good at the whole editing process remains to be seen but I see patterns in the words and I am not afraid to hack and slash the chaff.

Book1...especially the early chapters see a lot of confused tenses and strange styles as I try to find Merly's voice. Now I need to rewrite, which I think will be a lot of fun.

So here I am putting the words out there. I hope that people enjoy them.

the promise of beauty...

2011-03-21T12:17:00.000+01:00

Looking forward to seeing my Westerland rose blooming again. It has surprised us all by growing for 3 years on a balcony in a pot, then being transplanted to Switzerland for nearly 4 years then back to Germany where it now resides and probably will for ever. It grows like a beautiful weed and it is my baby.

moon moon

2011-03-20T08:57:00.000+01:00

A shot of last nights perigee moon over Trenthorst, Germany. It was pretty stunning lighting all around.

And this is the red kite that lives around here, we see it often over the fields across the street. It's an amazing sight.

home

2011-03-18T09:23:00.000+01:00

what can we do?

2011-03-15T08:35:00.002+01:00

art by Dave Liew

The print is for sale for a good cause.

Nothing makes a person feel more helpless than sitting in front of the TV/computer watching a disaster of untold magnitude unfold right before their eyes. Personally I know how this makes me feel and somehow even adding money to one or more of the various international aid organisations around the world doesn't seem to be enough.

I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to watch every single part of your life be swept away in an instant of time. One moment your home, your belongings and even loved ones are there and the next they are wiped away as though they never existed.

Now not only does Japan have to find its way back from being devastated by an earthquake and a massive tsunami but now it faces all the chaos of possible nuclear meltdowns. On top of this their infrastructure is broken. Electricity is spotty, food and water among other things are in short supply in some places, thousands of people have no where to go, no jobs to go to and nothing more than the clothes on their backs. Manufacturing of export items has also stopped and this will have long reaching effects

And it isn't just Japan, although right now the eyes of the world are there. There are terrible things happening to people all around the globe. So do what you can to help out when and where you can. Even a little bit can go a long way.

I know I consider myself incredibly lucky to have the luxury of clean water, good food, a roof over my head and all the toys I could ask for. I do not need for anything. Now imagine if something suddenly took all of that away.

The International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies

spring more

2011-03-13T15:38:00.000+01:00

We gardened. I made brownies. I wrote. It's a busy weekend. I'd write more here but I'm actually writing my book. :)

a day of sorrow

2011-03-11T17:19:00.000+01:00

There is nothing to say really. Japan devastated by an earthquake and tsunami while in other parts of the world people tear themselves apart.

It's art...isn't it?

2011-03-09T10:26:00.000+01:00

I love playing with water colours, primarily washes. There's a real freedom in it that is utterly opposite to the medieval style art I do. This one rather reminds me of Newfoundland with fog banks sitting just off the way waiting to roll in.

spring, sheep and the social media networks

2011-03-08T08:43:00.000+01:00

And what do these three have to do with each other? Not a whole hell of a lot except that all three are in my life. I live in a rural little spot in between two big cities, Lübeck and Hamburg. We have sheep at the bottom of our garden area, they are not our sheep but they meander by daily as the eat ( cut) the grass. It's sort of cool to see sheep.

Spring- well that is just around the corner. I can feel it even smell it some days and on a day like today when the sun shines it's easy to believe it's almost here. It's been a long, cold ( for here) rough winter on oh so many levels. Since I've posted ad nauseam about these I won't repeat myself but suffice to say I rejoice in the thought of spring. The reality is a bit different since spring brings allergies but I can deal with those right?

And lastly the social media networks. I hang out on two. Facebook and twitter. I'm an old hand at Facebook but a newbie on twitter so imagine my surprise when I get notification yesterday that James Edward Olmos is following me. My very first thought was why? It's not like I am the most interesting twit in the world or is it tweeter I never get that right. Really on twitter I don't have much to say that I didn't 1st say on Facebook. But since I get points for tweeting on Empire Avenue I figured why not. Turns out twitter is interesting in its own way. Short sweet to the point messages from people all across the globe, many of them well known. It gives a little glimpse into their every day lives which is sort of cool.

So via tweetdeck which has impressed me greatly I access both together on a continuous feed. I am connected. I am a geek. Oh boy am I a geek and I am proud of this lable. I use it and wear it like a great big badge of honour. After all it is the geeks of this world that have brought the world together under all these social media networks.

I think that without these social networks and the internet I would be a whole hell of a lot more isolated and I'd probably either do a lot of productive things or watch way more tv, I can't decide which it would be. I do know that through the social networks I get to share my life with other people friends and family on a daily basis and that, under previous circumstances, would not ever have happened. Everyone is now up to date with everyone else and I must admit this is a cool thing. I feel connected with the world, especially with my friends and I have re-found lost people in my life which has made me really happy since before facebook I would have had no idea how to find them and some of them even found me- how cool is that?

So between NASA TV and keeping up my stock price on Empire Avenue it's been a busy week. In between all the virtual social networking I have actually accomplished a lot of things - it helps tho that I feel a lot better this week. Let us hope this continues....

until then be excellent to each other!

yes we have no bananas...

2011-03-07T09:46:00.000+01:00

So while the world is on space watch for the shuttle Discovery's last mission I have been keenly keeping eye open for the fruit that lands on the top of the work station at NASA. Yes I am weird and yes I find interest in the strangest things but there you go I never claimed to not be weird.

By the way if you are watching NASA tv today the Discovery undocks and this morning's wake up call will be special "William Shatner recorded a special intro for Alexander Courage's "Theme from Star Trek" - Discovery's 3:23 a.m. EST wakeup call."

Watching this stuff live via the web is exciting. Better than normal TV and it's real, like really for real. It isn't faked TV/movie land pretend stuff this is happening now, in space and live. That's about as cool science non fiction as it gets.

So while I joke about the bananas really what am telling you, the world, is that there is some really freaking cool stuff going on right up there above our heads and maybe it would be good if perhaps just once in a while we looked up and managed to muster some awe because really this is awesome stuff and when Star Trek 1st came out this stuff we are watching on LIVE STREAM was just fiction , a vision of hope in someone's head.

So on that note.... Be excellent to each other and remember there are people in space doing really cool things.

it's con time...

2011-03-06T08:45:00.000+01:00

We are headed to Fed-Con in April. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I promised Marcus I'd make him costumes so double ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! On the to do list are Imperial Officer ( gulp) and TOS. I still need fabric for the latter but the former all I need is courage.

Last year I did the Tusken and the two crew outfits. The tusken was fun ( I did not make the mask that was created by Martina from Italy) I could have but it would have been so much work that I would not have had the costume done in time so we bought it instead and I am very happy we did. However, everything else I did myself.

While I don't really enjoy sewing all that much it was a lot of fun to try and figure out how to make this costume especially with the materials I had on hand. In the end I was happy with the overall look. And while I got flak about the shawl not being perfect....personally I don't give a rat's ass. In my not so humble opinion the tuskens were nomads who scavenged what they could from the desert and settlers so none of them would ever have looked 100% alike and saying that my costume is wrong because it doesn't 100% match the 1 or two images out here is just stupid. It looks like a tusken female looks and I'm leaving it at that. It got approved and that is also fine with me. However it's a hot costume to wear so I don't wear it for long periods at a time and since we are not staying at the FEDCON hotel this year ( sorry but I can't justify spending 210.00 euros PER NIGHT) for a standard double room in the Maritime we are now staying off site and that means being far more picky about costumes.

So I guess the next round of projects for me will be getting Marcus's officer's outfit done. He really really wants this and I am sort of scared to attempt it but I have the fabric, the pattern, the multiple advice form those who have gone before and I also have the skills ( mostly). So we'll see. I will keep the world posted tho...

Saturday

2011-03-05T10:31:00.000+01:00

We woke up late.
The sun is actually shining.
NASA tv is keeping me sane.
Today is Marcus's mum's Birthday.
I'm still feeling like garbage.
I have had a very unproductive week but I learned new things.
Work was fun.
Be excellent to each other...

The machine is...

2011-03-04T09:02:00.000+01:00

I've posted this before but I think it bears posting again. I have been thinking a lot lately about copyright and sharing and the world. When I see "This video contains X and is unavailable in your region" I get really cross. The internet has no borders, really so why do videos? And more to the point since my money has no borders and I can spend it in any country why does the video I want to watch? If a music / film company wants to encourage me to buy their product allowing me to see it would be smart. Shutting me out due to where I live is stupid and way behind the times.

I post images on the web all the time. They are mine. I created them but on the web they sort of become the world's. I'd rather not see someone take my work and make a lot of money from it but at the same time I can't really control that and I like the idea of sharing with the world.

My first experience with this sort of thing happened in High school where i designed the cover for the High school musical program for Guys and Dolls. Instead of asking me for the original to be reproduced in the year book someone else tried to copy my work and did a crappy job of it instead. I was pissed about that but in the end let it go.

Nowadays I think we've taken the whole copyright thing to the Nth degree and it has become stifling and ridiculous. I buy DVDs and have to sit through 10 minutes of do not steal this dvd infomercials...I bought the thing and I still have to watch that garbage. It's stupid and it is not really user friendly. On YouTube when I want to see a new artist's video to see if I like it enough to buy it I have to wade through dozens of not available in your country blank screens before I find one I can watch. Dear music companies by doing this you discourage me to buy said album. I can live without it, I don't need to give my hard earned money to people like you I will however be more inclined to spend money on companies that I see encourage world wide viewers, or sharing and so on.

Now with all the social media out there sharing has become easier than ever. I learn more about world happenings and new products, films, music and TV through facebook and twitter than anywhere else. I don't watch commercial TV anymore, I also don't listen to the radio either. Too many commercials and too much blah blah blah wasting my time. I have yet to find a radio station ( locally) that plays decent music ALL the time and where the DJs shut the fuck up. Little tip ( Alster radio morning show crew) you are not funny, you are mean and often crude and NO ONE CARES!

So now we have this massive instant way to share everything! Medieval manuscripts are online for those crazy of us who study them and we don't have to fly to some university somewhere, beg for privileges and don white gloves ( not that this would be a bad thing because nothing beats seeing the original) but now we have so much more access to what was once only available to the elite. Now anyone from anywhere with internet access can see the art wonders of the medieval world. And that makes me wonder what Monks would have felt about copyright....after all had it not been for copying we would not have the brilliant works of art to compare and look at today.

Lack of Endometriosis Surgery Reimbursement in the US

2011-03-02T08:43:00.001+01:00

March is Endometriosis awareness month so expect me to post stuff on this subject. This video makes me insanely glad I am not living in the US and having to deal with this illness.

latest piece

2011-03-01T09:29:00.000+01:00

So this is a backlog scroll which means it's already been awarded and the person knows about it. I thought I would share since I am happy with how it turned out. Acanthus leaves are the very bane of my scribal existence. But this was is pretty cool. My calligraphy still needs work though.

holding on

2011-02-28T07:55:00.000+01:00

One of the good things that came from our time living in Ticine was a man named Fulvio. He was a massage therapist who dealt with all kinds of techniques and methods including cranial sacral therapy. He showed me just how much I hold inside of me and how little I let go. It occurred to me last night that part of the reason I am feeling so ill right now is that this past month has been one hell of an emotional whollop and I don't deal well with that at all.

I hold on to sorrow the way a miser holds onto money. I store it somewhere around my solar plexus and I don't let it go. No wonder I hurt there so much. Fulvio would take one look at me and then he would tap that part of my body and say "Big block" and then he would work on the "big block" until I was crying hysterically to cleanse it all. I do not know how to do this myself.

As I have written about earlier my endo has come back with a vengeance meaning some pretty unpleasant and invasive testing coming up , there were two deaths in my family and I had someone I thought was a friend accuse me of hate crimes against men for saying if men experienced endo there would be more done about it. This is a lot of emotion for 1 month, really. I need to find a way to get rid of it without making myself so ill because right now I am not doing so well and I am heading back down into that panic attack dark place.

I think it was a big step just figuring out that I suck at letting go. That I store every hurt, every insult, every bit of abuse and all this terrible sorrow and I don't let it go almost as if I somehow think I deserve to be in pain, damaged.

I need to relearn how to breathe, Marcus kept saying that to me last night you need to breathe. I hold my breath a lot, I clench my abs and I hold my breath - how crazy is that? So I will have to start doing yoga again. I cry when I do yoga which makes me feel sort of stupid but since I am home alone it's not like the world is watching and it cleanses me.

This is me learning to breathe and trying to let go.

Last Sunday in February

2011-02-27T09:40:00.000+01:00

It's been a hell of a month. 2 members of my extended family died and it made me realise just how very far away I am from my family in Canada. I have had a huge endo flare up that's given me a really bad bout of IBS, massive amounts of hairloss, bloating and weight gain, incredible pain and discomfort ( not to mention constipation) I had my annual OBGYN appointment and everything looked okay but given the pain I have and the problems that have been ongoing I now have to have a colonoscopy (ugh) after which I am certain will be another lap surgery. I am happy to see Feb go though March is shaping up to also not be a fun month.

It's been a good month for art but bad on equipment. I have produced a bunch of nice scrolls but broke my burnisher which somehow managed to leap off my table ( flat with a cloth on it) and break clean off. I wanted a new one any way but this was a tad annoying. I will have to get my butt in gear to photograph all the new pieces. I have a bunch of blanks I don't really know what to do with yet but something will come up I am sure.

We were gone this past week to stay with a friend near Frankfurt. Marcus has work related stuff to do and it was an excuse to see our friend C who just bought an apartment ( lovely) It was great to see him and his new place. I spent a lot of time just hanging out browsing the web and relaxing which was nice. The only down side was an online discussion that turned into a bizarre fight over my feelings about endometriosis. I really don't mind civil discussions but using sarcasm and abusive language to get one's point across does not really count for a civil discussion and I decided that I have had enough abusive people in my life I don't need more. Unfriend is useful in these situations.

Yesterday was a good day at home after a long drive on Friday. We went shopping in Hamburg which was okay though I must admit as I get older I find crowds hard and harder to deal with especially as people don't seem to see me and insist on walking right into me. We buzzed Lush for the shampoo that Marcus uses and Saturn for DVDs and music. Then we went and had a quickie lunch fro the fab Indian place in the Europa passage and after that drove out of the city to Boesner the art supply shop I spend far too much money at. I replaced my burnisher and bought a 2nd one of a different size, some new blue ink, some new paint brushes and some watercolour paper. All in all I was very restrained.

We did some Lidl shopping on the way home and then settled in to watch animated stuff . Ratatouille and Shrek3 then topped it off with The Duchess ( excellent film).

Today I have not big plans but I will probably settle in to do some artwork. The sun is shining and it's beautiful out though a little frosty and hazy. I am going off the hormone treatment today so I am pretty sure next week will be a lot of fun wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

in the meantime be excellent to each other and hang in there spring is coming!

Monday.

2011-02-21T10:52:00.000+01:00

The geese are back...this means spring is coming! Oh happy day! As you have no doubt read it's been a pretty crap start to the year as a whole..oh well been and gone looking forwards not backwards.

I did get some fab news that my BFF Andrea got published. Her knitting design will be in the up and coming knit magazine Interweave Knits. check it out here:

Interweaveknits

It's the really pretty pink crop jacket. I am über jazzed for her.

Meanwhile back at the Haus-am-See lots of medieval stuff was done. I'm in the zone which is both good and bad. Good that I am doing art stuff bad I forsake all else when doing art work. So housework tends to fall by the wayside- though not today.

It also means I buy books- lots of cool scribally delicious books. Bad for the bank account but lucky for me I was given a couple of most awesome amazon gift certificates so I could have some shopping fun. On the list were two model book facsimiles. Happy happy happy.

February hell

2011-02-19T09:04:00.001+01:00

For the second time this month I woke up to a facebook msg that a member of my family had died. This time it was my mum's older brother, my Uncle Peter who was a very cool person. After a 9 hour wait at an ER a week or so ago they discovered he had been having a heart attack for 2 days so they rushed him off to another hospital where he ended up have quadruple bypass surgery. This resulted with him ending up with 20% normal heart function. After a couple of tense days in the ICU he didn't survive. I don't know any details. I just woke up and read he had died. I am sad, though even more sad for my mum. I feel very far away from her and my family and there's not much I can do about it. It has not been a happy month so far.

On Tuesday I went to see my obgyn for my yearly alien probe ( as one of my friends likes to call it) and discussed in my usual strung out nervous way how I had not been doing so well lately which led to the discussion about further treatments and procedures. The end result is something I have known was coming for a while now but dreaded and she has been nudging for. So in March I go for a colonoscopy. And I am not looking forward to that at all.I also go off the hormone treatment so I'm guessing March is going to suck the big one and being around me will not be a lot of fun.

The last week has been very pain filled and while I suspect and hope thy won't find much in the actual bowels I do expect this will lead to another lap surgery to dig out the rest of the endometriosis and get rid of any adhesions. I am currently in a lot of pain in a very specific spot, it's not getting better. This is the problem with endo, it is insidious. It's like a cancer without actually being called cancer. Abnormal growths outside of where they are supposed to be.

So this means that we are not going to Crown Tourney. I just don't want to risk big travels and staying over night in strange places when my body is in turmoil. I have pain I can handle at home but traveling throws it into chaos and makes it all ten times worse. At the moment I can live with the someone just shoved a dull spear through the lower left half of my back through my abdomen but driving for 6+ hours in a car will not make that any better. At home I can dose up on painkillers, retreat to the couch with a heating pad and doze my way through the misery. Plus given the change in hormone balance that will be happening I will probably be an utter bitch to be around and I don't really want to subject anyone to that.

So I'm sad and feel very defeated. Not much else to say. I get through some of this by hiding in my studio creating arty things. Concentrating on the art makes me forget that I hurt through and through but it doesn't make the sorrow go away.

little things

2011-02-16T07:49:00.000+01:00

The B is part of a backlog scroll I'm working on. I decided to try tooling the gold which is no easy feat given the kind of gesso I use. Still it looks okay. Currently I started painting the acanthus leaves that make up the main body of the illumination. Will show it when it's done.

Yesterday was not a banner day. I had my annual obgyn intrusional, nothing new or unexpected there. I used to be terrified of the once a year pap smear and exam now it's just an add on to the rest of the routine I go through on a fairly regular basis. Since the discovery of endometriosis I'm at my obgyn fairly regularly. From the very first visit she has suggested a colonoscopy which I've avoided due to an unrealistic amount of fear and loathing but now, backed against a wall, in March I will have the procedure done. I have pain with no apparent cause and enough issues with all things guts and bowel that this is necessary. But I'm scared to death.

So yesterday was a crap day. I was wound up, with a pulse of up over 100 but great BP go figure, the doc's assistant was like "Wow, you're a little stressed ". NO shit. And that stress didn't go away. The news about my uncle is not good and we had a frigging snow storm yesterday.

I also go off my hormone tablets in March so March is getting all set to be a banner month in the worst possible way. Now... I have to get ready for work. Gets me out of the house and lets my husband have a day home alone ( eep)

Getting older sucks.

me at 45

2011-02-14T09:10:00.000+01:00

My birthday. Just out of bed, still sleepy but somehow documenting this seems right. In 5 years I'll be 50 which is a little daunting. Not sure how I feel about it all, but the physical side of getting older sucks. The brain side still thinks it's 32 and that's a good thing.

bob

2011-02-12T09:23:00.001+01:00

Given all the sad news that's been flying around lately I thought I do a cute and fuzzy post. So this is Bob. Bob was my mum's cat ( He's since passed on this mortal coil and gone parrot chasing in another dimension). Bob was a feisty old bastard with a personality to match the size of Canada. He was making up for lack of a tail big time. He was a cool cat tho. So here's a really nice picture of Bob and his standard wtf do you want face..

family

2011-02-11T08:27:00.000+01:00

me and my fabulous sister on Christmas ever in Newfoundland.

So we got bad news yesterday. It's been that kind of start to the new year. My Great Aunt Chris died last week and yesterday I learned that my favourite uncle was discovered to have been having a heart attack for the past 2 days after a 9 hour wait at the ER. He was rushed via helicopter to another hospital for emergency cardiac surgery. The only news since has not been positive. I feel very far away from my family and all I can do is hope for a good outcome but mentally prepare for the worst. When I moved to Germany to be with the love of my life I left the rest of my life and family behind. It happens, my mum did the exact same thing but it doesn't make times like this easy.

All in all January and Feb(so far) have been pretty crappy. My endo issues have attacked with a vengeance so I've spent most of this past month and half not feeling 100%. I am hoping that the up and coming obgyn visit will see some sort of forward movement. The hormone therapy stops my period ( mostly) but now the rest of the symptoms are back. It's painful and tiring, though honestly it's mostly just exhausting. It's difficult to have a chronic illness that does a variety of weird things to one's body, harder when no one understands it including the world of doctors and disheartening when it attacks a person in places it's not polite to talk about it.

However... never mind all that. It's been a pretty productive time as well. I found my way back to making scrolls. I love the art. It's precise and exacting and it takes my brain to a quiet place where pain and problems are forgotten. The break did me good. I came back to the craft with new eyes and rediscovered my love for it. Plus being in my studio, which is warm and comforting, is a sort of refuge from everything that's going on.

in a few days I turn 45. I am half way through my 40's. I think this is a good thing. It hasn't been a happy number so I think I will be glad to get through it. So I guess this was a non art related post but it's where my head is right now. Missing my family, sad by the losses that have swept through my friends' lives as well as my own and watching with bated breath as a turbulent world seems to shift again to something different and hopefully better.

so anyway now I wait for news and hope. There is always hope.

that month which should not be

2011-02-10T08:59:00.000+01:00

Rhaps in Trenthorst

I hate February. I hate it for several reason but the biggest is the 14th. Okay enough about that. It's been a sad beginning to the year. People have died, family, friends and known personalities. It's been emotional and a bit rough. I look forward to spring though not to the allergies that come with it.

I'm busy with art, making scrolls and contemplating a massive spring clean out. We have too much junk and it's weighing heavily. But gardening and roses and green...it's all coming and it will be wonderful.

repeats

2011-02-07T18:10:00.000+01:00

So yeah...I'm doing this one again on request from the owner only this time it's on pergamenata and waterproof ink because he wants to take it into the field. Am I crazy or what?

exhausted but really happy.

2011-02-05T23:21:00.000+01:00

So I have spent much of the past week on this monster. It is a style of illumination I have not tackled before so it was difficult to get right but I am quite happy with how it turned out. When it has been awarded I'll repost with the text.

Albion Scrolls

2011-02-04T08:50:00.001+01:00

The Albion is probably the most prestigious award outside of peerages given in Drachenwald. It is given out once a reign by the king to someone who has performed exemplary service to the Kingdom. As a scribe I have been lucky enough to do 4 of these scrolls and I thought I would share a little about each one.

The very first Albion scroll I ever did was for Cecilia Jonsdottir, who is a really lovely person. This was a woman I sort of knew but I wouldn't say that at that point we were friends so I had to ask people about her and what she liked. In the end I went for simple rather than complicated because I wasn't quite at the skill stage for something really complex. But I also wanted pretty, I had heard that she didn't have many pretty scrolls so I wanted it to be something shiny and cool. The top miniature shows a representation of Cecilia with baby dragons, at each corner is an image that represents the sacrifice Albion made ( there's a whole story about this which gets read out in court before the award is given out and it always makes people cry) Then the bottom miniature is of Cecilia and her two very good friends. The scroll was written in Swedish because Cecilia is Swedish. It was one of my first tries at gold leaf and I was happy with how it turned out.

The next Albion I was asked to do was for Master Bertik. Bertrik is a good friend and so I kinda went all out. It was at this point I also thought the text for the Albion was sort of lacking in all the flash and bang it should have for such a big award so I decided to write the entire Albion story out onto his scroll. The two miniatures on each corner show Albion as he was before he started giving parts of himself away and after it was all said and done. The middle one is of Bertrik and John. they are really close friends so I wanted them on the scroll. Given that this was a King only award I felt that Honor who was Queen at the time and also really close to Bertrik should be on the scroll someplace so she is on the bottom shown with Lucy.

The 3rd Albion I did was for someone called Kragen who I didn't know and later I found out was someone no longer even living in the Kingdom ( this a no no and was something that cause a bit of an issue but that's politics and I won't get into it) Because this one was being given out at Pennsic ( big war thingy in the US) It needed to travel well so the two bits are done on pergamenata and could be rolled. / folded. Again I wrote out the story and then I did a smaller separate scroll as the actual award piece. It took forever to write out and it was one of the first examples of my flourishing work ( here's a great example of what not to do) I was still working on the kinks and didn't quite get the pattern of it all still it turned out okay over all. I never got any feedback about this, even though my contact info was on the back the guy never wrote to say if he liked the work or not which I thought and still think was pretty fucking lame.

The story

the scroll

The most recent foray into the world of Albion was for my most excellent partner in crime and friend Eleanora. I started it ages ago but never finished it then this week got off my lazy ass and completed the scroll. It shows Albion giving away his heart which is really what Ele does for this kingdom. I also decided enough with the writing out of the entire story and went with simple is more. I am happy with how it turned out in the end, especially as for a very long time it didn't look like it was going to be so nice.

I hope I get to do more Albion scrolls because they are a lot of fun. It's also a really nice award to watch being given out.

finally

2011-02-02T12:21:00.000+01:00

So It only took me a couple of years to finish but now it's done. yay.

poodling along

2011-02-01T10:38:00.001+01:00

I'm kind of at a loss for things to talk about at the moment mostly because my head is full of projects. We took a bit of a big break from the world it seems and now the world has flooded in with a vengeance. Not that I am complaining, I think it's good to be busy and creative but it's overwhelming.

There's lots going on in all directions. We are members in two busy costume clubs utterly unrelated to each other. ( one is medievalish and the other is totally Star wars related) and there are a lot of events coming up for both these hobbies. It's cool really.

I am also working to try and finally finish the DOTE blog / books. It's so close and yet it seems to fight me every word of the way. I'm sorry to those who are waiting that I am so slow... but I am working on it, promise!

flourishing

2011-01-31T10:43:00.000+01:00

Just something I am working on on the side. I enjoy doing these crazy capital letters they are a lot of fun. They also make for really nice, period looking scrolls as well so I do up a whole bunch to have blanks on hand.

So it's Monday, the husband is off visiting various doctors, I am doing laundry and lay gold leaf and it's grey and quiet outside.

Nothing much else to report really.

speechless

2011-01-29T09:52:00.000+01:00

Yesterday an entire country fell off the internet and cell phone grid. Imagine if that happened to you.

and the only response I can really think of right now is this:

"People should not be afraid of their government; governments should be afraid of their people"

I often forget how privileged I am to live in a Western World country with all the trimmings. As places to live go Germany is pretty damned good, really. Good social system in place, good health care system in place, decent standard pf living and so on. So watching Al Jazeera live stream the hell that is going on in Egypt right now really brought this home.

Friday

2011-01-28T07:31:00.001+01:00

Rooks at dusk outside of Ahrensburg

I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn't really get back to sleep after that. This morning at 7 a plumber was due to come so I guess this was my body's way of not sleeping in. At 5:50am I got up and that was that so I'm up.

One of the upsides to getting up at the crack of doom is seeing the unexpected. This morning it was being able to see the moon, now waning and Venus in the sky on the same level so bright that they both created a reflection on the thin ice of the lake. Words do not do this justice and I don't yet have a camera that will pick these sort of scenes up.

For as long as I can remember I have marveled at the nature around me. I thank both my parents for instilling this in me. I think as adults we often lose the ability to see the world with open eyes, we miss sunsets and moon sets, and every day miracles due to every day life getting in the way.

I'm a big fan of sunrises as any one who is a regular reader of this blog can tell. Lots of pictures of sunrises especially since we moved back to Germany. We now live by a lake and the lake view is south - south east facing. This means as I sit and type my morning babble I get to see the sun rise, which has it's drawbacks. ( Hard to type with the sun shining in one's eyes but this only occurs at certain times of the year)

I love the natural world around me. It's full of magical things. While driving down German autobahns we see birds of prey just hanging out. They seem to each have their section of highway and they often sit in a tree and watch the world. We see a lot of crows here as well, they roost and gather out near the Mc Donalds but only in the late fall, winter and very early spring. Soon enough they will be paring up and the huge roosts will dissipate in favour of nesting.

So on this Friday morning which started early, the sun is now slowly painting the sky, 1st a deep orange and slowly a paler yellow. It's gorgeous.

asking questions

2011-01-27T07:44:00.000+01:00


Middle Cove, NF: Beach Rocks

There's a trick to asking questions, you have to ask the right ones. I've seen discussions go on forever because someone didn't do this, or didn't frame the question in a clear and concise manner. This of course led to a circular discussion which usually dissolved into a slag fest.

Many moons ago in another lifetime as part of school classes I took a course on how to deal with the public. It was a course based on customer service and how not to piss people off, and yes I am sure there are those of you sniggering at this but really I did learn a few things and I do occasionally put them to use.

It's all about language and how you use it. The difference between the statements "When you do X, you make me feel..." vs "When this happens I feel..." The same idea two totally different triggers.

In a discussion with many people from many backgrounds and educations as well as languages one needs to ask the right questions in just the right way. Not so easy sometimes especially if the person asking the question is emotionally invested and wants to hear a specific answer.

I like to ask questions, I'm the curious type. Even though it seems that asking questions gets you into trouble, especially if you ask the awkward white elephant in the room sort of questions. I rather enjoy doing this from time to time because I think it's good to shake the tree. Sometimes you need to shake things up to remind people that there is a bigger picture out there and it's not quite so insular as they might think.

I'm not really speaking about anything specific here, just observations made over the years of being on many forums and many email lists and in many many classrooms.

I'm interested in the choices that get made..."why did you use that colour paint on that scroll?" , "Why are all the new chapter gifts NO Trade?" , "Why is it that in one of the richest countries in the world over 43 million people live below the poverty line?" and so on...

I have asked many many questions over the years and to my surprise have started a ball rolling that either ended up with me saying fuck it, you're all a bunch of stubborn twits and I don't want to play with you any more, to oh my goodness you mean they actually listened and changed their minds?

Learning to ask the RIGHT questions is the key. Be clear, don't use too many examples, don't clog down the ultimate subject by adding a billion details. ( People don't care about the details until the big picture becomes clear)

Questions are good, you know. They can bring down entire governments or help to free prisoners. They can untangle a mess of lies and suspicion or help to clear up a single point from many points of view. They can tell you where the bathroom is. People may not always like the answers they get and of course people may also not like the questions that are being asked but in the end it doesn't really matter. Asking questions is a good thing and sometimes I think we should do it a whole lot more often than we do.

Ask questions, you'll be surprised at what happens when you do.

where's the sun?

2011-01-26T10:03:00.000+01:00

So it's that time of year again when the sun goes away and the gray endlessness moves in. This is typical North German weather but after a couple of weeks of this the brain starts to go a little zingy. At home, in Canada, most of my family and friends are freezing their rear ends off in sub zero temperatures. here the temperatures hovers at the 0 mark with a degree or two left or right of that middle point.

I don't mind wintery winter but the endless grey really brings me down so now I am looking forward to spring.

Bring it on...

The work space

2011-01-25T08:15:00.000+01:00

The was a picture of my desk years and years ago. I still have this table which I have had for almost as long as I've been in the SCA which means I've had this little drafting table for over half my life now. It's still my main art table. When we moved to this house which is really big my art studio space jumped up and for the first time ever I had enough room to bring in a "real" architect's table.

the monster table

I did the ebay thing and found one which I won for under 40 euro. The only hook was we had to pick it up our selves and the thing weighs a ton but with friends' help we managed just fine. It's a cool piece of equipment and let me tell you it makes lining out these medieval scrolls a damn sight easier than anything else I've used. I love the built in angle ruler. But the table is HUGE and I'm not so it's actually not ergonomically easy for me to sit and and use as a place to paint which is why the little drafting table is still my best friend in this room. ( It's also easy to move around as well)

Now my little friend sits under the window for the best light and the monster sits at the only place it could and still get some natural light. It also makes a great fabric and pattern layout table. It has many uses but oddly enough I don't use it for drawing.

uncluttering the mind

2011-01-24T08:37:00.001+01:00

Inspiration wall.

So yesterday I spent pretty much all day sorting out my art studio. It started off as a clear off the desks to start scrolls and turned into a serious gut out and clean. It felt great. While I can do some work in a cluttery room I cannot do scrolls. The medieval work requires peace and calm in the room and clutter damages my calm.

In between the uncluttering I played detective ( again because this has been an ongoing process for a while now) and finally found the Maker of the Scribal box to say thanks. ( Pictured above - big wooden box on the shelf). That was a fun adventure which worked out and was a nice break from the cleaning.

I enjoy the process of going through the junk and I have much junk. I collect all manner of things because one never knows when one will need something. Today I hope to sit down and line out some scrolls and perhaps get some gold work down.

We'll see.

stuff to do when you're bored....

2011-01-23T08:59:00.004+01:00

A server side panel with various computer CPUs and DLP chips as magnets

I am a magpie, I like shiny things. Computer bits are shiny so I tend to collect them, especially CPU chips and other bits and bobs, with DLP chips being among my very favourite. Over the years I have collected a rather large amount of these bits and pieces because I use them in my Re-Cycled art projects. Sometimes as collage material on canvas but sometimes for other things as well.

I wanted a magnet board in the kitchen because in Germany there is this weird tradition of hiding the fridge behind a cupboard door so the whole concept of fridge magnets is gone. I had been looking for "just the right one" for a while but they were either too expensive, too small, too large or the wrong colour. So I ended up salvaging scrap from work and using that instead.

In the picture you see the side panel from a server housing. It measures 62x42 cm. It's big, it's metal and it's a neutral colour. So I strung a wire on it and we hung it up in the kitchen. Then, being kind of restless and needing something to do with my hands I rummaged through my rather impressive collection of CPU chips and the box of DLP chips, found my collection of saved neodym magnets ( most of which have come out of notebook housings) and the super glue and set about making my own fridge magnets.

2 DLP chips and an Intel pentium pro

On the board is computer history with CPU chips ranging from 386 right up to an Intel (c) XEON. The really big gold one is a server CPU chip, an Intel Pentium Pro and it's huge. The little ones that look as though they have a mirror in the middle are the DLP chips. And even though it looks like 1 single mirror it's actually millions.

DLP chip and Xeon cpu

Then there are things like this...


little IKEA metal drawer thing with harddrive centers for handles.

I use all sorts of computer bits for all sorts of things. Ages ago at IKEA in their sale section we found this nifty little metal drawer thing but without handles for next to nothing. When we got it home I discovered that I could screw the wheel hub things from the inside of hard drives onto it and use them as handles. I know they are not in the center but really I could care less. I like the weirdness of the handles.


"Screen saver" Notebook cover frame, canvas and acrylic paint.

Sometimes I just do whimsical weird stuff, like the above painting framed by a notebook inside cover frame. It's actually attached currently to my upstairs magnet board because instead of a wire to hang it on a wall it has a rather heavy duty neodym magnet that came out of a hard drive so that I could hang it to the metal wall I used to sit beside at work.

While most of the computer garbage gets recycled some ends up in the hands of people like me and we have our own way of recycling.

Until then, be excellent to each other!

on the road...

2011-01-22T16:24:00.000+01:00

Picking fights because being annoyed is easier than being sad is stupid right? So the man is headed off to Turkey till Wednesday then back for less than 24hrs to head off to Hanover and not back until next Saturday. It's not as if I mind so terribly being alone but I hate it when he's not here. I'm like a puppy who gets separation anxiety. I also revert back to student days habits when he's not around. So watch out next week...bad eating habits, too much coffee and time forgotten here I come.

new crows

2011-01-21T15:33:00.000+01:00

can be seen here.

crow art II

tide and time

2011-01-21T08:58:00.001+01:00

This week notification went out across the net about the death of a much beloved SCA member, Mistress Caitlin Davies (MKA Jane Waks). I did not know her personally though the name is familiar but I feel the pang of loss anyway. People die, it's a fact that's unavoidable. One day they are there the next they are gone and it is almost surreal, at least to me. At 45 I am now of the age where people I know, who are close to me begin that journey although it started early with the death of a good friend's sisters and then later on with my dad. Along the way family, friends and acquaintances have also passed away due to accidents or illness or old age. It happens and it sucks. Sometimes I think if I had my way I'd freeze time and we'd never grow old, or sick and we'd all stay alive forever of course that's not very good for the whole learn as you grow thing.

Death marked me early on. I am far too aware of it and every day it crosses my mind that someone I love, someone who is dear or meaningful to me won't be there tomorrow, every single day. I cry for the deaths of people I don't know when the TV shows the most recent tragedy. They leave a hole in the fabric of time that simply cannot be filled and one's heart hurts due to loss. It's an ache that no painkiller in the world can put end to and it never really goes away.

So what do you say to someone who has just had their very best friend in the whole world swept away from them never to return? I'm sorry doesn't even come close and let's forget about all the other platitudes that get spouted. It sucks plain and simple and it's a lonely thing to experience.

So all I can really say on this matter is be very aware of the people around you, your loved ones, your friends. Treasure them every day no matter what. Be mindful of hurtful words and things said in anger because maybe one day you won't get the chance to say you're sorry.

just saying...be excellent to each other...always!

Fixit dude in the house

2011-01-19T07:21:00.000+01:00

We have a busted toilet tank thingy. Problem is the tank is built into the wall ( sooooo very German) but the plumber says it's not as difficult as it looks. This guy has been here before, he was the plumber who dealt with the wall leak, he's cool, friendly and easy to have in the house.

I find it hard to believe it's Wednesday already even more stunning is that we're now in the middle of January almost, whooooosh time flies. It's been an odd sort of week so far with Monday being pretty crappy and yesterday being so-la-la. In between the black hole spots I get stuff done, including some pretty sweet little crow paintings but the frigging scanner, which is at least 10 years old, isn't speaking to the computer now so we have to find a work around. Annoying when I might have to get a new one simply because the drivers don't get updated and the scanner doesn't speak Win 7. My live in IT specialist seems to think he can find a work around but so far he's forgotten about it.

So here we are at Wednesday and it's a sort of loose-endish kinda day. At least I managed to sleep the night through which was nice- no nasty being woken up by pain. Always a good thing. No bitchy emails this morning either also nice. Maybe is the plumber is done in time I can even go to work today, if not it's off to work I go tomorrow. In the mean time....we wait for the toilet tank to be fixed.

Until then, be excellent to each other and rejoice only 2 more days till le weekend!

Counting Crows

2011-01-18T09:59:00.000+01:00

I made this as an accordion book for my show in Halifax at the Anna Leonowen's Gallery. It ended up going to a friend of mine and although I planned to make more it never happened. Time and the lack of a good inkjet printer made book printing a thing of the past until I find one that I like and suits my needs.

The little drawings were all done with the mouse in photoshop and it was a fun project.

it must be a Monday

2011-01-17T14:05:00.000+01:00

The pig-goat-god thing of Trenthorst

I am constantly astonished at how little time it takes for people to manage to dampen enthusiasm and squash initiative. Instead of seeing the positive applications to take only the negative and act thusly. I am also deeply suspicious when people start sentences with this statements like "I don't do/say this to make you feel bad but..." In my experience if you begin with this statement you already know that what you have done or said has probably hurt someone's feelings or made them feel bad.

As someone who likes to A: help and B: tends to see a hole and likes to fill it I regularly find myself on the wrong end of the stick. I remember clearly a time when I was waitressing at a small hotel in the middle of nowhere where I tried to "help out" by offering some of my experience from working with a huge catering company. This was met, much to my surprise, with jealousy and resentment. Instead of making things go smoother which they needed to do, my other co workers were pissed off. I was 22 or so, so probably I barged in like a know it all and upset the apple cart completely but I meant well and instead of actually talking to me and explaining what I had done wrong, people just treated me like crap, I eventually quit the stupid job and we were all happier for it.

I like efficiency. Just ask my team leader at work. I like to organize stuff so that it runs well without much work and I don't like to waste time. I also like to fill a niche, hopefully without causing too many ripples to do it but sadly that's almost impossible. There's always someone some where who gets upset about something no matter what the original intention was. It happened to me at another job I had where I learned to be ultra prepared to the point of anticipating my boss's every whim and move. This got me a lot of flack for being a brown noser but what people didn't understand that in being prepared and having stuff ready I avoided getting yelled at, stuff thrown at me and possibly fired. I did this out of a sense of self preservation, not to get a raise ( which incidentally didn't happen.) I don't talk these things here to come off like the victim I'm not. I make my own bed and I am well aware that what I do has consequences but what I think other people need to be aware of is that my actions are not always done for reasons that they believe and that people should look deeper than the surface to see what is really going on. Or just ask instead of assuming they know it all. Trust me, we never know it all.

The only trick I know against upsetting people is not to bother doing anything which kind of makes being in clubs where volunteering is a must for the club to survive difficult. We have run into this time and time again with all the various hobbies we have been involved in. Eventually no matter what you do, you will step on someone's toes or cross some invisible border and manage to piss another person off. There are still groups of people I know who can't bear to be in the same room as each other because of some toe stepping that went on many years ago.

It's kind of sad really.

Nowadays I just try to walk away when territorial spats occur. Unless I really screwed up and went overboard I have come to realise that I am not responsible for other people or what they feel. Someone once told me "No one makes you feel anything, you do that all by yourself. How you feel about any given situation is up to you and you make the choice all on your own. You need to accept responsibility for your feelings, life works a lot better that way." It took me a very long time to understand how correct this statement was. I was the sole owner of my feelings and it was my choice what direction to take them in in any given situation. So now when someone says to me "You made person X feel like this" I question it instead of instantly taking on the guilt.

As a thinking human being I know when I've fucked up. Unless you are psychopath you know when you've messed up and usually I act accordingly and apologize or try to undo the mess I have made. When this is not the case I think Madonna sums it all up very well when she sings "Don't put your shit on me."

Other than that it's a Monday. I'm not particularly well today but I'm ignoring it ( mostly). I tend to read a lot of endometriosis forums on days like this and I spend a lot of time crying at the computer because it's hard to read some of the terrible things these women go through and I go through them too. It's also cathartic and it helps to know I'm not alone.

I'm tackling the mountains of laundry and trying to get the majority of the downstairs cleaning done. It's been too long and the house feels dusty. I like a clean house and spring is coming. We'll also have people in the house on Wednesday to fix the toilet in the master bathroom. I'm kinda curious to see how that's going to go what with the tank being built into the wall an' all. But having the guys from Kritsch come in is enough to spur me into housecleanmouse mode. I don't mind my own mess to a certain point but I don't need strangers seeing it. :P

So now it's back to vacuuming and mopping...it keeps my mind occupied which today is a good thing because otherwise I'd be even more down that I already am.

So...Be excellent to each other.

new blogs

2011-01-16T22:45:00.000+01:00

Two new blogs went up today. SCA related but fun.

treasures of drachenwald

and

Ask Albion

other than that it was a decent day by all accounts. Pain level somewhere at a 2, discomfort level at a 2 and relax level at an 8. I painted crows on pretty backgrounds, watched NCIS, had a nice husband cooked supper and am now finishing up web monkey business for the evening to retire to the couch where I shall undoubtedly fall asleep before lumbering off to bed to hopefully further fall asleep to be woken up at 7 am by my dearest husband who has made me coffee ( as usual).

So dear world have a good one and be excellent to each other!

crows to go...

2011-01-16T10:29:00.001+01:00

One of the Crow Boys

the beginning, the 1st mould from plasticine

the wax positive, fixing and fiddling - no easy task.

The Crow Boys was an art school project, part of my sculpture class. They were a trial to make and their journey to life was fraught with difficulties. They were a fairly large sculpture for the bronze casting class and I made three of them, it seemed the right thing to do.

crow boys in bits

wax positive...

the wax positive and the amazing thing, they stood on their own.

bird butt.

It was a big project and it took ages and I learned A LOT. But now I have three beautiful bronze crows who have such personalities. They are collectively known as the Crow Boys and they've been around the block a bit!

the crow boys in Halifax, Canada enjoying the snow!

The crow boys in Switzerland


hiding amidst the plants in Germany

As you can see they do their own thing. They are well traveled crows, although generally they tend to travel by boat or truck... The flying part is kinda hard with bronze wings.

just shoot me...

2011-01-15T13:21:00.000+01:00


day after my lap surgery which discovers I have endometriosis.

Sadly today I don't much feel like writing anything inspirational, or ranty or arty. I'm having an incerdibly bad endo day and everything hurts.

I posted about it on my lj blog
and here are some links if you want to know more about the disease.

http://www.endo-resolved.com/intestinal_endometriosis.html
http://www.endo-resolved.com/symptoms.html
http://www.bioscience.org/books/endomet/end34-65.htm ( graphic pictures)

and if you are really curious you can type endometriosis into google and see for yourself.

busy and cool

2011-01-14T14:40:00.002+01:00

"She wants to be flowers..."

So today has been a busy productive day doing stuff for friends and for the hobby I indulge in. More on things later they are still in the behind closed doors stage. I got caught up with apprentice #1 and managed to spend an insane amount of time struggling with html code and making images for banners etc...
It's all cool stuff.

Now however it's time to move so it's upstairs to see Mr. Kettler. ( slave driver) and sweat a bit. Great things are a foot...

stay tuned.

and be excellent to each other!

whimsey

2011-01-13T08:34:00.001+01:00

When we lived in Switzerland I started messing around with water colours a bit more. I began experimenting with landscape style painting, thus taking up my father's brush so to speak. Instead of being remarkably exacting in detail though, as he often was, I let 'er rip. It was freeing to slosh water and paint around to see where it all went, especially after the exacting nature of the medieval style illumination I had been doing so much of.

I enjoy almost all forms of "painting" I use this term somewhat loosely as many of my computer bit acrylics were painted with my bare hands and it felt really good, though it did take forever to get that stuff off my hands afterwards. I love the very precise work of illumination because it is just that, exacting. You really have to get it perfect or else it looks bad. If you study the medieval stuff long enough you start to see where people go off the track so to speak. You get that "It looks beautiful but something isn't quite right" sense. I often think that figuring out what "isn't quite right" is almost 75% of the battle to the craft. I am still working on this. I think that maybe I'll have it all sorted out by the time I'm 100 but then again maybe not.

It took me a long time to be able to call myself an artist but it is what I am. I make art, all kinds of art and some of it I do very well other bits are just whimsical experiments along the way. I'm not particularly good at self promotion and there are no galleries around the world boasting they have one of my pieces on their walls, I don't sell much and for the most part none of this is overly worrisome to me. I make art because it's what I have to do. Sometimes in batches, sometimes exacting and sometimes in 5 minutes flat. Sometimes I love what I've done so much it stays on my wall and some pieces I hang on to because they are awful. In-between that I make art that for the most part I am quite proud of. And occasionally I share some of it here.

little treasures

2011-01-12T10:28:00.000+01:00

Driftwood on a Newfoundland beach

This year for Christmas I got a negative scanner so now I am in the process of rediscovering many many many old photos I took while I was at NSCAD. Many of them were never actually printed so it's kind of fun to see them as images. This was taken on a beach in Newfoundland when my husband and I were on our way back from visiting my mum.

Awards and wotnot...

2011-01-11T11:03:00.008+01:00

my memory board ( from 3 years ago)

One of the things that came up at this latest event was the whole system of awards. It seems that many people are not so happy with the system, or the awards, and so on. I don't think that this is a new argument but I did notice that many people seem particularly jaded and somewhat bitter about the whole thing.

I think it can be very hard as King and Queen ( and other royals with the allowance to do this) to know who to give awards to and more importantly when. It's a fine line, award a person too early and the general underlying feeling is that person didn't do enough to deserve it ( never mind if they did or not but that's the perception) but if they wait too long then there is a feeling of resentment about all the work done with no reward. It's a delicate balance and I'm quite glad it's not my job.

The system works on a sort of honour system. The royals rely on the populace sending in recommendations for people. But the system is open to abuse. I have seen shires get together to do award campaigns. They decide who should be up next and then they sit down and write en masse the recommendations needed. Of course when this doesn't work and a person expected to get a certain award at a specific event doesn't get this tears ensue.

What happens when people don't bother to send in recommendations or better yet the stupid online form doesn't work properly making it "more work" to find the right email addresses and so on. And then what do you say? Person X does lots of stuff and I think they should get their AoA? I once over heard a conversation where one member of the SCA told a newbie that the way to become a laurel ( one of the highest rungs on the ladder) was to know how to dance and to be able to play chess.) If these are the perceptions people have then no wonder the whole system kind of goes awry.

I was one of those people where almost everything happened a little too late. By the time I was awarded award X I didn't much care about it any more and to a certain extent it lost its meaning. I was never one for accolades anyway, mostly I like to hear the words Thank you you did a great job and we appreciate it, ( I also like getting paid in coin of the realm) but I am and was pretty easy going about the whole award thing. I rather enjoy seeing other people get hauled up in courts and given their moment to be seen and acknowledged. ( which was what made the job of being Signet Clerk so much fun by the way)

In a club that runs pretty well 100% on volunteers there had better be a way to reward the ones who step up to the plate and work so that the rest of us can enjoy the hobby without too much fuss. And because of the nature of volunteer run organizations there will always be those who constantly do and those who constantly take with most people hanging out somewhere in the middle. It's a nasty sharp edge tho. I have heard more than once about a specific person who works their ass off at every single event they go to that "they only do it because they want to get noticed" or that such people are greedy for attention and never let anyone else do stuff but it's been my experience that anyone who works that much, consistently isn't doing it for recognition they do it because it's their nature and they probably really enjoy it. In the area of service most regular volunteers don't do it for the bling factor, it gets too old too fast.

In the area of Arts and Sciences it's a bit different, people do what they do because they love it and if you love something you do you get better and better at it (in theory) So there's a progression of award for that as well, in this kingdom it's usually getting a Panache then, if you're of the right stuff, a laurel which is the top rung for A&S. The problem I see with some of this is while a panache is still an award that people get recommended for by everyone peers are made by the crown on the recommendations of other peers ( mostly) And what I have noticed over the years that sometimes persons who are just astonishing artists ( and this goes for the service area as well) but who have "difficult" personalities don't ever get accepted into the peer clique because they are considered not of peer like qualities.

For me, having been on both sides of this fence, the words "peer like qualities" seem to be synonymous with "not one of us" or "I really hate this person's guts and I don't want them in my little world". What does this phrase even mean? No one yet has been able to come up with a clear and concise explanation of what "peer like qualities" are. Probably because every single person has their own ideals about it and no one can meet in the middle.

I don't have them. I'm an outspoken bitch who doesn't always play by the rules. I don't enter A&S competitions and I am very vocal about hating the job of judging them. I was told point blank years ago by a couple of laurels that if I never entered or judged an A&S competition then I would never become a laurel. It was that simple. I wondered then as I do now WTF that had to do with learning an art or craft or science to the point of becoming a master/mistress of it but since these words were told to me by two laurels on the same day I figured okay what ever... and accepted I'd never reach that high step and while it bothered me it was also okay because if that's what I had to do to become a peer then too bad. I don't like being coerced or forced at proverbial sword point to do something I don't enjoy in what is essentially my hobby and should be fun.

I have seen from many parts of the Known World people get black listed from peerage because of a nasty comment made in public, or a temper tantrum at an event etc... but seriously how does this even enter the picture? For me the criteria are simple. Has person X reached a skill level that is master level. Have they shown a constant willingness to serve the kingdom, do they do so willingly and often? Do they teach their skill and encourage others? Do they share? For me these are the peer like qualities I need to see. Whether or not they've had a mass meltdown at an event 5 years ago because something happened that set them off is for me immaterial. People are people, they have moods they say shit they shouldn't and the have opinions. To my mind the last person I want as a peer is some unopinionated, wimpy assed yes person. It's good when someone says it like it is. I think there's far too much high and mighty that goes along with the whole thing and in the end we all bleed the same when we're poked with a sharp stick. Plus... who amongst any of us ever can say we have never done or said something mean or stupid?I guess it all just depends who sees and hears you and whether or not higher-ups feel hurt by it. I have issues when shit that happened years ago gets dragged up as a reason to blacklist someone.

Awards are a way to say thank you or acknowledge a person's achievements within a set of parameters. Personality will play some part in it all but in the end it should not be a popularity contest and I do sometimes wonder if maybe part of our problem in this kingdom would be solved my a few more awards for specific things vs few awards for very general things.

my memory board (from 2010)

eventing we will go...

2011-01-10T11:44:00.009+01:00

Bridge from Denmark to Denmark >Fyn.

So... for the first time in what we figured out is roughly two years we set off to an SCA event. The event was in Sweden so we decided to drive all the way ( now that we can) and avoided ferries. We took the huge bridges and were suitably amazed at the architectural feats of wonder of driving over the baltic sea
The drive through Denmark was easy, clear skies all the way and a gorgeous sunset.

le husband not wanting le picture to be taken.

Bridge 1. BIG and impressive.

When we hit Sweden we hit wall oh fog. There was just nothing to see and as it was hovering around the -2 the driving got interesting. As we got closer to the event site the roads got smaller and more snowy, thank goodness we had the exact GPS coordinates for the event especially as there were NO FREAKING SIGNS anywhere. We made a wrong turn and ended going up a very dodgy road...full of snow...managed to get out of that only to be shouted at by a very large doberman. Eventually we arrived at the site alive and in 1 piece. Managed to get checked in swiftly and then made the decidedly treacherous journey down the hill to the house at the end of the world where we were bunked.

Chatting to a new scribe.

We ended up sharing a room with most excellent friends and this was a welcome thing. A chance not only to catch up but also to relax because they know us so well and vice-versa that we forgive the flaws and welcome the chatter. We had a corner room on a quiet hallway near a bathroom ( so perfect for me who gets up at least 3 x a night to pee ( thank you endo) So we unpacked without the usual rush and hectic, got everything squared away and dressed in our somewhat tired looking garb then went to say hullo to the medieval world at large.

The bling garb and the pointy hats whoo hoo!

This was the coronation for Vitus and Ele, two incredibly dear friends of ours and it was a momentous event given how long they have been entering crown tourneys and not winning. The stunning bling bling garb was made by Anya and Gottfried and it was truly wonderful. You can see the story of the garb here and it is well worth the read. It was a lovely ceremony though even for me both the step down and the step up courts were a bit long. I guess I am not one for a lot of blah blah ceremony any more but it was very nice to see the pointy hats go on.
One thing annoyed the crap out of me though and that was when it came to reading the name of the scribes who did the scrolls. It was inconsistent and I got the feeling that only the scribes who had created big blingy scrolls were worth acknowledging. Several scrolls were just handed out without being shown to the populace or having their scribes acknowledged. It was very disheartening to see and experience. Dear Kings and Queens be consistent when you do this either you do or you don't but the some scribes get acknowledge and some don't thing sucks. It makes those whose names do not get said out loud seem second rate and not worthy or recognition. EVERY SCRIBE should be worthy of recognition. Please please remember this. And scribes WRITE YOUR NAME AND CONTACT INFO clearly on the backs of your works. ( okay rant off)

The rest of the day was mostly quiet for me. Since we had been up very late on Friday ( the standard chatting till the wee hours just kills me and I suffer from not able to sleep in a strange bed syndrome so on Saturday I was a gonner. We escaped back down to the house of the banished , braving the absolutely deadly ice hill and I decided that until feast I wasn't risking my neck again and subsequently missed the laurel meeting because I had no idea when it was being held after being pushed away for the fighting and no one actually came down the hill of death ( or used the inter house phones) to let any one know it was happening. I guess I wasn't missed so no big deal. I am the anti peer anyway ( thanks Maggie for the name it's very funny). What we did do all afternoon was inhale glühwein fumes and chat with very good friends. It was an delightful way to spend a cold afternoon and I am glad we got the chance to relax.

Feast

The feast started after 2nd court which I would have stayed for but the room was so hot it actually made me ill and I had to get out of there which meant I missed getting a coin and candle for judging the A&S competition. Since judging is something I loath and I mean loath to do and I suck at it by the way I was a little sad about missing out on the good part of the whole experience but oh well again if a person is not physically in the room they are not actually there at all. My fault really I aim to be invisible Bridget and it works. *evil grin* I don't mean that to sound petulant though it probably does. But I do find it sad that people tend to get left behind if they are not in the room at the time. It happens to scribes as well, my biggest pet peeve. People get nice scrolls but if the scribe is not at the event, more often than not, the scribe never hears a peep from the recipient about whether or not they liked the scroll etc....there is a big out of sight out of mind thing than happens at events. It's like an SEP field. I do wish that would change a bit.

Feast was a bit chaotic but we took it all in stride, thank you Hagen for saving us seats. It's always hard for us at feasts because we are quite picky about food especially now with certain food issues having cropped up ( milk intolerance, no cheese etc...) However even though it was fairly lengthy it was nice and the food that was served was by all accounts really good. Something I wish they would do in this kingdom is pre post the event menus with ingredients though. We had two vegetarians seated with us and no one could tell them if there were meat products in the meals. That isn't good. For me the issue now a days is milk products. I have to be super careful. So really I was able to eat the meat stew, the very very gingered carrots, and the pork ( very nice) Everything else was to be avoided. We missed both breakfasts due to the hill of death being a great deterrent and there was no food on Friday. Marcus and I have long ago learned from experience to be very self sufficient when it comes to SCA food and we bring the kitchen with us. I have a small coffee machine, a small kettle and 2 cool boxes packed with good stuff. We don't starve and we don't have to brave the ice hill of death to get that morning coffee either. In the end it was nice to have breakfast in house and relax the big downer is that we miss out on relaxed chatting with other people. However this was an unusual case because we were all bunked in the house way down the hill from the main site and the route back and forth was just a deadly sheet of ice. Not really a great incentive to get one's ass to breakfast on time. I am sure when the road isn't a vertical ice rink it's much more fun. And I liked our room, the quiet infrequently used bathrooms and the endless hot water so do not take this as a complain, it isn't but there were downsides to being housed quiet far away from the main site.I ate something on saturday evening that made me quite ill so it was nice to have a quiet Sunday morning breakfast in the room with food that was a known quantity. Besides having the wee coffee maker is a great way to make people happy and earn new friends.

road from hell.

We cleaned up our living space and packed le car said our goodbyes and started the journey home. HOLY ICE ROADS batman. Seriously talk about shit driving conditions. above freezing temps on already hard packed icy roads made for an Olympic style car skating event. We decided to caravan with Leo and his navi had some strange ideas about where to go but eventually we made our way to Malmö to the bridge.

good friends, good times

Our last stop together was at a small rest stop where we used the facilities, Leo bought a snow shovel, we each obtained a free map book of Sweden and had a coffee to go. Just as we all began to shiver from the cold we said our goodbyes and began the last leg home. We would both be driving over the big bridge together but after that we went separate ways. they were taking a ferry and we were sticking to the road.

le big bridge

The big bridge from Denmark to Sweden is impressive and I was glad that this time we got to see more of it.

Road to Kopenhagen

The rest of the drive home was uneventful except for the unintelligible gas station in Denmark. We decided not to top up there and waited till we crossed the border stopping in a place called Skandinavia park where we had the best meal in ages at the Steak-n-more which was the alternative to Mc D's. It's not on the cheap side of food prices but the salad and potato sides are all you can eat and the meat we had was cooked to perfection.

Denmark is full of beautiful sunsets

All in all it was one of the best events I have ever been to though I think a lot of that was due to going with no expectations, no agenda, no volunteering for anything and looking forward to seeing friends. We took an over 2 year break from the SCA but I think that has ended now and the thoughts are for Double Wars in May. So to all who worked at the event to make it fun Thank you. To all the scribes who created beautiful works of art I say well done and thank you and to our friends both new and old I say thank you for being awesome people. Really in the end you are what make it so much fun!

PS. I forgot to mention is was great to get to see Lia and meet her Laurel ( thank you for coming to find me and we need to hang out more often it was so very nice to just sit and chat).
-To the new scribe who came to find me I'm deeply sorry we never got to speak more later on but sadly this is SOP at events. Find me online and I will do what I can for you to get you on the go. I know you have questions and occasionally I have some answers.
- the rather odd glut of panaches and lindquistiringes given out all at once in last court seemed very last minute rush. Not so many AoAs tho. Is this is sign we need to seriously work on encouraging new blood or is it just winter events so close after Christmas don't really get a lot of semi new people on the AoA list.
-Brutus - enough said.

wall and window

2011-01-06T18:23:00.000+01:00

Inspired and inspiration. I love my studio. I have this amazing view which looks out on the world around me, it's inspiring and wonderful and often breath taking. While I work on some sort of art project I can watch my world.

Gateway

2011-01-06T12:33:00.001+01:00

This was a birthday gift for a friend at work. Acrylic on canvas with memory sticks and keyboard tabs. Yes there is some meaning behind the text keys and no I won't reveal it.