Monday, 19 December 2011

green is not always good. ( C/P from my lj cuz I'm lazy)

When I was a kid I remember that I used to hate my baby sister. The number one reason was jealousy.I also remember that somewhere along the line I made a conscious decision to let that go. I remember that light bulb moment so clearly it's almost surreal. Jealousy is an utter waste of time.

When my friends have successes in their lives I celebrate with them. I'm super happy for them because it's their happiness I care about not the eternal question that seems joined at Jealousy's hip - why don't I get any good luck ( or a variation thereof). I came to understand that no matter how much I might wish for something the only person who could make it happen was me. Now granted there has been some majorly lucky breaks in my life as well but they ALL came about because I chose to do or say something at a specific time and place and that choice led me to the next wonderful step.

I have been lucky and I am well aware of this but I also make my own luck by being me and that includes making mistakes as well. I had a conversation with one of my best friends recently who is having some negative energy thrown her way at work by people who don't get it. She has had a few major successes in her life recently but I can tell you these are all due to a shit load of seriously hard work. I find it sad when people snitch and get snarky because really underneath they are green with envy over someone else's "good fortune".

I been on that end of the stick too. I can't count how many times I've heard "You don't know how lucky you are." when actually I DO know and I am grateful and I don't expect the world handed to me on a platter. I've lost friends, well people I thought were friends, over stupid stuff like this. I share my good fortune and I'd like to think that I'm a fairly generous person most of the time but i don't like being taken for a ride and I hate being used. I've learned the hard way along this road that sometimes you have to walk away from people who are like that and you have to walk away from people who can't be happy for you.

Being jealous of my sister wrecked havoc on our relationship for years. I always felt she got the sweet end of everything but that's not and never was the case. She was tossed into the deep end just like the rest of us and she made the best of it. Now, of course half way through my life I see that and I am incredibly grateful that I was smart enough to get my shit together and get over myself. We are, I hope, friends, and I admire her more than I tell her. She took risks when I didn't, she jumped off the deep end and learned how to fly long before I did and I learned from her that some times you have to take risks to get where you want to go.

Just like my friend who is taking risks and moving up the ladder of success in the field she loves. The people who mob her at work, who don't get it will be left behind when she goes forward. She's brilliant and talented and lovely. And like so many others now she has to deal with BS because someone can't see past their own nose.

I was asked by someone recently about being jealous over other people's works, ( pertaining to the medieval world) and I said of course it happens. I look at someone who is better than me and there is a pang there. I'd be lying if I said otherwise but in difference to way back when I was an idiot now I take that as a sign I still have a ways to go and things to learn and there will ALWAYS be someone out there who is better, kinder, prettier, stronger, slimmer, and whatever than I am. ALWAYS. This is the way of the world and some days it bites but it is easy to get over when you realise that other people's joys and successes and luck are just not your own. As soon as you figure this out life is grand. Start to count your own blessings. Are you healthy? Are you loved? this list is endless.

I try not to hurt people along the way and I do try to be mindful of other people's feelings and rights but at the same time I look after myself and part of that starts with letting go of jealousy. It's useless.

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tales from the dark side...