Tuesday, 17 May 2011

The mad world at large.

It's a wild and windy day. Green and dancing against dark and scuttling. It's a royally gorgeous dance and I never tire of being able to watch it from the computer room window.  We've desperately needed the rain so these past two stormy days have been a welcome gift. The garden has exploded into greens and blues, yellows and reds with a lot more to come when we plant the new plants we bought in the ground. The lighting today is stunning. My head feels as though the storms outside have gotten inside of it and are whirling around my brains.

The wash of emotions that have returned in the absence of the hormone treatments that I no longer take are overwhelming. It's awesome , terrifying, and utterly wonderful. I feel as though I am whole again. It is however tiring.

My life is an adventure. Every day brings its own surprises and the ups and downs of dealing with a non life threatening, incurable disease that plays havoc with my being.

So now I am winding up my DOTE books, still working on everything, short stories and some fun Thrawn related projects. I too am having some problems letting go of all of this. I love these characters, I've lived with them for a really long time, how do you say goodbye to that easily? Thrawn is a dream to write, I hear his voice in my head clear, crisp, a little too correct yet with a hint of wildness, a hit of alieness. Merly dances through my brain like a second me. Yet we, as people, are very different. There are things about her I wish I could be and there are things she is that I am glad I am not. The rest of the crazy cast of characters are all in their own ways are beloved.  Like any book where I fell deeply in love with the world, the characters, and all they had to give me it's hard to let go. But the nice thing about the world of words is that we can go back into them and we can re-dance with our beloved other worlds and all their inhabitants and occasionally we even uncover some previously undiscovered secret they had to offer.

I love writing. I may not be a professional or even paying-book published but I love the craft with a passion and as much as I am an artist in many other areas of the arts, words will always be my first love, perhaps because I learned to read later as a child than most and had difficulties.  But my parents read to us as kids, my mother shared poetry and my dad, stories like the jungle book,  I was weaned on words.

My journey with Merlyn and Thrawn has produced an intriguing side effect and that is the love of editing. How to make it better. How to slice it all up and tear it all down so that it's more powerful and easier to access. Unclutter it. Something I wish I could as easily in the real world with my stuff as I can with words. I don't know if I am any good at this but I really enjoy the process and since I do it for me alone it doesn't matter about good, or approval from anyone else does it?

So here I am. On the edge. Feeling dangerous and full of wild wild energy. I know it's the adrenaline going from an over active hormone system just waking up form a really long nap but it's fabulous. I'm exhausted, and a tad frantic, and I am not eating properly but right in this singular moment I don't care because right now in this singular moment I feel like that storm outside and it's a wild ride. Ask me again later on when I crash on the couch.

ps. I don't tend to edit this blog since it's my brain talking to the keyboard and I kind of like that sometimes it's also a bit wild.

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tales from the dark side...