Thursday, 24 March 2011
I live in the now, the right now. I don't tend to dwell in the past although I will dog-with-a-bone certain events and never let them go, but for the most part past is past. I tend to forget things that happened a lot. The same applies to the future. It hasn't happened yet so I don't freak out about it. There are a number of "what ifs" on my worry about list but generally I don't tend to consider the future much. So what matters is the now, the right now, this moment.
This, of course, does cause some issues. For example when I feel ill it's ALWAYS the worst ever. I tend to forget that six weeks ago I had the same thing and it was also THE WORST EVER. Good that my long suffering husband gets this and knows what to say make to make it alright.
So here I am the day after the dreaded colonoscopy. I have to say the very worst thing about it was my imagination, seriously. Next time I hope I won't be such a babbling idiot who cannot string 2 sentences together. ( If there is a next time)
I'm in limbo this morning, the morning after, I'm tired and a bit down which might be a side effect from all the drugs, I tend to get really down after any "surgical" stuff though I couldn't tell you why. I'm gassy and crampy and it hurts but I'll live. I keep going over in my mind how stupid I must have sounded at the doc's when he was asking me questions. But I need to cut myself some slack : I was seriously scared, I hadn't eaten anything in 36 hrs, and trying to do all this in German is difficult when I get wound up...words Fiona remember your words. Easier said than done. I can can speak the medical speak in English but I forget the German words for things, in fact under pressure I tend to lose the German completely. I struggle to be coherent at all. Did I mention that I had a pulse of 120 when my normal resting pulse is 75. I don't think so well on no food, bad sleep and terror. LOL.
And by now you're all wondering what the lizard has to do with any of this...
When we lived in Switzerland lizards ruled the garden. I miss the little guys a lot. I posted the picture because it was one of the few really good things about living in Ticine which is a place that damaged me. I had never lived anywhere before that did such a bad number on my psyche. Doctors who treated me like I was a hysterical, stupid housewife. No local friends, utter isolation and the sensation of never belonging as well as a language I could not seem to learn. All of these things changed me from a person who jumped off cliffs into the unknown to a person who hid all the time.
Now after 2 years of being back in Germany i am slowly finding myself again. Yesterday saw me revert to that person I had become in Ticine. I didn't like it much and now I am angry at myself for not being less scared and more coherent. I should be stronger than that, once upon a time I was.I don't know if I can ever reclaim everything that was lost but I'm working on it.