holding on

One of the good things that came from our time living in Ticine was a man named Fulvio. He was a massage therapist who dealt with all kinds of techniques and methods including  cranial sacral therapy. He showed me just how much I hold inside of me and how little I let go. It occurred to me last night that part of the reason I am feeling so ill right now is that this past month has been one hell of an emotional whollop and I don't deal well with that at all.

I hold on to sorrow the way a miser holds onto money. I store it somewhere around my solar plexus and I don't let it go. No wonder I hurt there so much. Fulvio would take one look at me and then he would tap that part of my body and say "Big block" and then he would work on the "big block" until I was crying hysterically to cleanse it all. I do not know how to do this myself.

As I have written about earlier my endo has come back with a vengeance meaning some pretty unpleasant and invasive testing coming up , there were two deaths in my family and I had someone I thought was a friend accuse me of hate crimes against men for saying if men experienced endo there would be more done about it. This is a lot of emotion for 1 month, really. I need to find a way to get rid of it without making myself so ill because right now I am not doing so well and I am heading back down into that panic attack dark place.

I think it was a big step just figuring out that I suck at letting go. That I store every hurt, every insult, every bit of abuse and all this terrible sorrow and I don't let it go almost as if I somehow think I deserve to be in pain, damaged.

I need to relearn how to breathe, Marcus kept saying that to me last night you need to breathe. I hold my breath a lot, I clench my abs and I hold my breath - how crazy is that? So I will have to start doing yoga again. I cry when I do yoga which makes me feel sort of stupid but since I am home alone it's not like the world is watching and it cleanses me.

This is me learning to breathe and trying to let go.