Wednesday, 4 April 2007

The shape of things

I love this image of a crow taken in Halifax. It almost doesn't look real, but it is.

So, it's been a while since I posted. I havn't felt great and have not had much to say about it unless it's been face to face. I put most of it down to that change of life thing, my body is not my own any more. The statement 'I am losing my mind' has crossed my lips so many times I sound like a broken record, but after a week of magnesium supliments I feel a whole lot better.

I actually had a GOOD day yesterday, I had energy and wasn't nauseous and did * gasp* house work. It was a good day. Today will also be a great day.

Trying to get past the fear factor. The trouble is I don't actually know what I am afraid of. It's just this nameless dread that seeps into my bones. When I break it down into managable parts there is nothing there. Fear- not just for breakfast any more. I think it comes from change, which is happening right now. Not sure what sort of change but something is rolling its way down the pipe. There has been a subtle shift if the lay of things, I feel this keenly. All my life I have known that 'something was about to happen' usually not what...but something. Grrr arrgh!

We have been here two + years and it has been limbo. In that time I have railed against the process of learning Italian though I couldn't tell you why. We have not expored the area much and don't really mind or care actually, and have made no lasting contacts here. If I were a betting person ( which I am not, because I usualy win) I would say this is a transition place, a down time before round number what ever begins.

I think the next phase will be busy, fun and exciting so much so that I will look back on the now and say wow I was glad I had time off.

Still, I never did well with waiting. Am not one of those anticipation types. I can wait, patiently if I have to it still drives me mad. Do or do not there is no standing in line waiting for the piano to fall.

I finished up book2 of dote last week. On Friday actually. It was relief. I hope the next book goes a bit easier and a bit faster. Then I can get 'on with it'. because stories in my brain are piling up. DOTE is a trial run the can she actually write and maintain an entire plot with all the trimmings test. My guess is yes but I have to stick to it and not waver all over the shop like I did in my 20's. My 30's were about gathering experience so that I could actually produce something worthy of reading. Well, my 30's were about figuring out who I am. I ran away to sea to do that.

Now I begin my 40's with a bang and not an overly pleasant one either. Why, I ask does every transition have to be such a frigging battle? Why on earth do I fight so hard against it? That's the head against the keyboard question.

I have no answers for this though I keep asking them.

On a happier note this morning I got a care box from home. *happy dance* wonderful treasures inside and the scent of home. How much nicer does a wednesday morning get, plus it's raining which we so desperately need. I love the rain, all misty clinging to the mountains clouds. It reminds me of Newfoundland and that in my heart is home. Fog is where it's at!

So what else is there to say? We bugger off for a few days to head back up North to Hamburg. Easter and a wedding - delightful.I am looking forward to it but lately travelling squirrels me out a bit so I hope I can maintain some calm. Of course we drive up north not down south so we drive away from the insane Italian motorway and its insane lawless ruless idiot drivers. When we head to Vicenza I am terrified. The bit from here past Milan is a nightmare of huge proportions. I am always breathing a HUGE sigh of relief when we pass Bergamo and the lunatics with cars seem to fade away.

For reasons I cannot explain I don't like Italy all that much but it may because all I have seen of it so far is its incredibly awful driving habits on terribly designed motor ways and down town Milan, Florence and Como. Though to be fair,I love Como and Florence is pretty. So far there has been no connection with this country at all, nothing that speaks to me on a soul level. I even fight learning the language for reasons I don't get at all. It should be easy but it isn't. I'd rather, actually, learn Russian - go figure. down time....

So my crow pal, looking at me with quizzical head tilt and shiney eyes is pretty cool. I love corvids and he's one of my favourites. It was a lucky shot. His expression sort of mirrors how I feel.

in the meantime... I have to gather words, prepare for book 3, pack for a wedding, get some more laundry done and sort my life out.

typical wednesday!

until then, be excellent to each other.
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tales from the dark side...