Originally uploaded by _Merlyn.
Some days my world gets so off kilter. I get lost in the mad grip of anxiety and panic attacks, my body betrays my brain which tricks my body into thinking it's broken.
I feel as though I am broken.
I must admit it's rough. But it's getting better. I slowly coming to grips wit the fact that I create this messy reality that spirals out of control so that I am so terrified of breathing all I want to do is crawl under my favourite quilt on the couch and vanish.
Today didn't start out so well, before I had even made it through my second cup of coffee I was frantically trying to help a friend fix his computer via msn. Now anyone who has done any computer support knows just how hard this is.
It's even harder on me because I am relaying answers from my husband and I want to help, I want to fix the problem because if I don't I feel as though I have failed. ( this goes back to childhood and I won't get into that here, therapists get paid to listen to this whinge, you all don't.) I also pick up his distress and it gets to me.
So my day started with a massive over load of anxiety.
I get through these episodes better now. I know they will pass, and because I begin with that knowledge they actually get shorter and shorter in duration.
I need to learn to balance.
No easy task for a neurotic nut job like me but trust me I have come A LONG way. And I am working on it step by step, day by day.
This painting sort of symbolises that. Yin and yang, out of earth green and sky ( or water) blue. Gold leaf on the corners to symbolize wealth, prosperity of spirit and it just looked nice. The 'dots' in the center points are DPT chips.
These chips, the most expensive part of a projector, look like a mirror mounted in a gold casing. There are actually over a million tiny mirror like bits that go into making up the single mirrored surface, they all shift and move individually to give that fabulous image you beam on the wall, or screen. I think they are beautiful. A perfect balance of modern technology and aesthetic beauty in something useful.
So after a morning of anxiousness, the afternoon was spent getting some tidying done, productiveness counter acts the negativity generated by my worrying.
Now I can breathe again.
Until then, be excellent to each other.