Saturday, 10 February 2007


Originally uploaded by _Merlyn.

Some days my world gets so off kilter. I get lost in the mad grip of anxiety and panic attacks, my body betrays my brain which tricks my body into thinking it's broken.

I feel as though I am broken.

I must admit it's rough. But it's getting better. I slowly coming to grips wit the fact that I create this messy reality that spirals out of control so that I am so terrified of breathing all I want to do is crawl under my favourite quilt on the couch and vanish.

Today didn't start out so well, before I had even made it through my second cup of coffee I was frantically trying to help a friend fix his computer via msn. Now anyone who has done any computer support knows just how hard this is.

It's even harder on me because I am relaying answers from my husband and I want to help, I want to fix the problem because if I don't I feel as though I have failed. ( this goes back to childhood and I won't get into that here, therapists get paid to listen to this whinge, you all don't.) I also pick up his distress and it gets to me.

So my day started with a massive over load of anxiety.

I get through these episodes better now. I know they will pass, and because I begin with that knowledge they actually get shorter and shorter in duration.

I need to learn to balance.
No easy task for a neurotic nut job like me but trust me I have come A LONG way. And I am working on it step by step, day by day.

This painting sort of symbolises that. Yin and yang, out of earth green and sky ( or water) blue. Gold leaf on the corners to symbolize wealth, prosperity of spirit and it just looked nice. The 'dots' in the center points are DPT chips.

These chips, the most expensive part of a projector, look like a mirror mounted in a gold casing. There are actually over a million tiny mirror like bits that go into making up the single mirrored surface, they all shift and move individually to give that fabulous image you beam on the wall, or screen. I think they are beautiful. A perfect balance of modern technology and aesthetic beauty in something useful.

So after a morning of anxiousness, the afternoon was spent getting some tidying done, productiveness counter acts the negativity generated by my worrying.

Now I can breathe again.

Until then, be excellent to each other.


  1. I love your Art - every single piece. One day I'll have enough money to buy one of your pieces :o)

  2. Wow, that's so cool. I always figure most people don't really like the pieces.

    They're not that expensive... one day I'll be selling them for thousands not hundreds. Bwahahahahaha!!!

    but it makes me bouncy happy that you like the recycled pieces as well.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxs and ooooooooooos

  3. I like the art too!
    But I thought you knew that?

    I think I told you about when I realized my depression attacks were just that, not something justifiable. Once I recognized the artificial/chemical imbalance/whatever induced nature of them, I was able to make them shorter by a sort of "this too shall pass" acknowledgement.

  4. YAY for people liking my crazy art, I am sure you told me before but like most people I tend to remember the negative comments and not the positive ones.

    Yeah, it's like trying to connect all the dots. Once you figure out the source dealing with the symptoms is a lot easier. I have mapped my ups and downs now for about 5 months and sure enough, I get a massive panic spike between 1-3 days just prior to my period starting.

    It doesn't make the actual sensation any less difficult to deal with but I am pretty sure it's hormonal so at least I know the cause and that I am not going insane which is how it feels. I have had panic attacks most of my adult life but until I turned 40 they were never so bad as they have been this past year.
    It feels now the way it did when I tried to take the pill. I guess, as is normal with this age, my hormones are starting to fluctuate and my brain reacts accordingly. Now I see a pattern I can sort through it.

    but it still sucks! Horror-moans who needs 'em!


tales from the dark side...